What I’ve Been Feeling Like

I haven’t been here for a serious post because I just don’t know what to say really. My posts have been putting it all out there lately and now I feel a little exposed, a little raw. I can hear my mothers voice reminding me to put on a happy face for the neighbors But I realize that maybe it will help getting it out and maybe somebody else feels this way too and then they’ll know they aren’t the only one. Or maybe I’m just crazy.

I just know I feel crappy, unhappy, depressed. To answer the comment about drugs not being the answer and needing to get to the root of the problem - I understand what you’re saying. Antidepressants wouldn’t solve the problem; you’re right. What they would do is hopefully stop that urge to either swerve my van into a tree when I’m alone or that equally strong urge to turn right instead of left when I’m heading home and just keeping on driving as far away as I can get. Maybe they would help me to be able to get out of bed and care about doing anything to change my situation instead of feeling hopeless and crazy.

I need help, something just isn’t right in my head. One day there is rage, one day there is profound sadness and loneliness, one day everything is okay with the world. I just need to quiet down my mind. For anyone that has quit smoking you know what I’m talking about when I say you get the “crazies” when you have a craving. Your mind freaks out with withdrawal and tells you you’ve GOT to have a cigarette now or you’re going to die. And it’s this running monologue in your head until you can’t stand it anymore and give in.

It’s the same thing for me now except it’s not about quitting smoking; it’s about the state of my life.

• I have too much to do
• Nobody helps me
• I have so much work
• I’m not getting anything done
• How am I going to get anything done?
• The house is a wreck
• The kids are a mess
• I forgot to *insert forgotten item here*
• I’m such a loser
• I don’t want to do this anymore
• I’m so lonely
• Nobody loves me
• My life is too much I just can’t take it anymore

I know I need to find a therapist and start going to one also. All of the abuse and pain I’ve suffered through in the last 34 years that I’ve just tried squashing down, won’t stay down anymore. I also know I need to change my diet and regulate my blood sugar. I know eating crappy food, while it might give me a temporary serotonin boost, the crash is just too far down when it happens. It feels like a roller coaster. So it’s back to eating organic, whole foods as much as possible. I also need to work exercise back into my life. I was reading in The Hidden Feelings of Motherhood some interesting research that shows that a good workout not only releases endorphins, as we all know about, but it also helps stabilize serotonin levels.

So I’ve applied for health insurance through my state office. Jeff doesn’t have health insurance offered through his job and I’m self-employed so we don’t have any other options. They have decided we qualify by income but they have a funny way of doing things. They do require a monthly premium payment but they don’t bill you until after you’ve been approved and then your coverage doesn’t go into effect until they’ve received and posted your check. Do you know how long it takes a government run agency to process anything?

But once that’s approved I will be going to see my doctor and talk about all that’s been going on in my head and my life and hopefully we can come up with a comprehensive plan to get me well. I just don’t want to feel this way anymore.