Life will work for me when I realize…trying to prove something to someone is never a valid reason for doing anything

I found that I was feeling a little hurt today that my post from yesterday only received one comment. But then I realized that it wasn’t because of what anyone else did or didn’t do, it’s about me. I understood that the problem was I was looking for other people to validate me and what I wrote about. I know what I wrote about is a switch for me but the words in those lessons really make sense to me and I am trying to put them into practice in an effort to grow.

Why do I care so much what other people think? Why do I need them to say “Great idea”, “Good for you”, “You’re right!”? Why? Because I have no confidence in myself whatsoever. If I believed in me I would be okay knowing that what I am doing is right for me. Period. I wouldn’t need anyone else to tell me. When you observe happy, successful, powerful people are they constantly looking to others for a pat on the back? No they believe in themselves - they know they’re smart, they know they’re capable and they don’t have to look elsewhere to validate it.

So why do I have such a problem with it? I think it all boils down to unworthiness. All of my life I have had so many problems with self-confidence. There are so many things I didn’t try because I believed I wouldn’t be able to do them or able to do them well so why bother at all? I am working to change that but so much holds me back still. I just want to be loved and accepted and constantly feel like I have to prove that I belong here on this earth.

I am adopted. I was given up by my biological parents because they were in college and getting ready to embark on their careers. They didn’t think a baby fit with those plans. I can’t help but wonder if abortion was an option would I even be here? I think this is why I feel a need for validation from everyone in my life. I need to know that I have a right to be - to exist. That I am not defined by the mistakes of other people because that’s how I feel. Like a mistake. It seems so adolescent to feel this way but I think that’s the point in my life where I got stuck.

When I was a teenager and things with my adoptive mother were really bad I remember seriously considering killing myself. I thought I had no right to live and that I was everyone’s mistake and it was time to correct it. My birth mother’s mistake for getting pregnant in the first place and my mom & dad’s mistake for adopting me. In 20 years I have never stopped feeling like I don’t deserve to be here but now instead of trying to justify killing myself - I’m trying to justify being alive.

I know just this awareness is my first step. I also know it’s going to be a long road to accepting myself within my own self - not because of what other people think and ay about me. I also know that for me to be successful the only one’s opinions of me that REALLY matters is mine. It won’t matter what a million people say or think if I don’t think it of me.