So in my New Years post yesterday I touched on the changes I want to make this year in my life and my family’s life. Things I wanted to do different. Things I wanted to do better.

Then this morning gave me a good example why. You see, I mentioned that I haven’t been acting as mature as I could be, especially in the responsibility department. I guess this year I want to get real about who I am versus who I want to be. I figured my blog was the place to do this. I know a lot of people use their blogs to draw attention to themselves and how wonderful they are. You know the ones - my house is spotless, my marriage is perfect, my children are angels, my life couldn’t be better. Bullshit. I’ve put on the “Perfect” front for years and now the mask is coming off and the true, not so attractive me is coming to light. I think it’s the only way to change her - to acknowledge her first. Piece by piece.

Money struggles are probably at the core of our problems in our house. The reason we have money problems? We never know exactly how much we have, where we have it or when we need it. I have just been paying along as I can and blowing off a lot of bills when there are things I/we want and/or need. I am the one that has been given control of our incomes and I do a lousy job with it. I overindulge the people in my life to try and make them happy. Mostly my husband. When I see him feeling down about how we never have any money and the irrationality that lives in working all the time and not being able to get anything beyond your basic needs - I try and fix it by encouraging him to buy something he wants so he’ll feel better. Even though we don’t have the money for it. Even though I know he’ll get over it. Even though he’s not making as big a deal over it as I am.

I grew up with money. I grew up being overindulged in the name of love. The words were not spoken in my house, gifts were purchased instead. Now I’ve changed that in my family, I tell my kids and my husband that I love them all the time. But I still tend to follow the model of using money to make things better. That never works, it has to come from inside. I know that logically.

By refusing to be accountable and responsible I now, as of this morning, have a huge daycare bill that I have no idea how I’m going to pay. My daycare provider has been sick and very busy over the last 4 or 5 weeks and hadn’t been sending home the weekly invoices. We are billed hourly based on attendance so it varies week to week. Did I give her money towards the bills anyway the way my friend did? No. Did I tuck the money away every week so when I got the bill this morning I would already have the cash and would be up to date within 24 hours? Of course not. I spent that money else where each week. Dumbass. And now I have to find $415, right after Christmas. Good luck, huh?

And then I freak out. Why didn’t I save the money, put it away somewhere? Why? Why? Why? I’m so stupid. But I needed to buy Christmas presents and holiday food and so on and so forth. And I justify it all in my mind this time so that I’m guaranteed to have a next time. So I’m going to have to talk to her about setting up a payment plan over the next few weeks to pay it back. And that will probably be okay but I truly wish I hadn’t put myself in this position in the first place.

I have been toying for a long time about going to a cash system for us on a trial basis. I use checks and the debit card for everything and I think it has greatly distorted my sense of reality about how much money we really have. If we go to cash and put away a budgeted amount of money in each category we have to pay every month, prioritizing accounts so that housing, food, gas, daycare get the money first and then utilities and then unsecured debt (of which I have a LOT and is another post entirely) - will it help me to understand that when the money is gone, it’s gone? Period. No blood from a stone, etc. Does anyone do this? How do you budget? How do you stay on top of your bills? How do you prioritize? How do you catch up once you’re really behind? Please share your tips, your secrets, your help. I am grateful.