Jun

15

Am I That Strong?

June 15, 2006 |

Jeff always told me that if I stayed with him the perpetual dark cloud hanging over his head would rain on me too. I used to laugh it off, encourage him that it wasn’t true and go on about things. But I think I’m starting to believe him now. It seems like whether it’s little things or big things we keep getting kicked down by something. Repeatedly. Over and over. I know supposedly you aren’t given more than you can handle - but come on - I’m not Hercules here.

It looks like I may well be able to go to the services on Saturday. Jeff’s brother - the one that has been pulling away from his family more and more at the urging of his wife - hasn’t even called Jeff back about this weekend and its Thursday. Hopefully it will work out.

While I don’t know the pain of bipolar disorder that she felt, I do know despair. I know feeling like you can’t go on that way another minute. I know needing relief of ANY kind no matter how final that relief may be. I can’t imagine the pain and desperation she must have felt though - everyone’s is different. It makes my heart ache for her.

Bipolar Disorder is such a tough disease. To even get to a place where someone starts treatment usually requires hitting bottom. The struggle is that medication makes you feel better and when you feel better it’s hard to rationalize why you should continue taking the medicine. But if someone with bipolar doesn’t regulate those moods then the peaks do get higher but the valleys get lower too. Lower to the point where the pain seems insurmountable.

I’ve been touched by suicide quite a bit in my life. This is the 5th time. 3 were high school friends, kids I had known since I was 5 years old. Kids I hung out with, kids I thought I knew. But they made a pact and one by one…..Their pictures are in my year book with poems and memorials - remembrances. The other one was in college - someone in our circle - it was shocking and devastating and honestly I can’t even find the right words. I feel like I’m grasping here - I know what I feel but I don’t’ know how to say it.

I feel numb and disjointed today. There are 2 things that I remember whenever suicide touches my life.

“Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem”

I also remember someone talking on TV once about suicide when I was a tween and they discussed this theory, a philosophy about suicide that when you took your own life you didn’t go to heaven or hell. You were stuck in a plane, a dimension, where you could see life on Earth and the After Life but you couldn’t get to either one. Your destiny was to see where you had been and where you could have gone but you were never again able to reach either place. For eternity. The very thought that it could be possible scared the ever living shit out of me. I never seriously thought of suicide as an option after that.

Peace out my friends. Have a beautiful day.


Comments

5 Comments so far

  1. cassie-b on June 15, 2006 7:08 am

    Hang in there.

  2. mrs. diamond on June 15, 2006 8:27 am

    (hugs)

  3. Stacie on June 15, 2006 10:16 am

    I’m so sorry, hang in there. Take care of yourself. Hugs…

  4. Michele on June 15, 2006 10:44 am

    Man.
    I don’t even know what to say.
    Just hugs to you. And I’m sorry.

  5. Aimz on June 15, 2006 3:25 pm

    yep been in that place in my life too, I don’t know what to say either just to let you have big hugs.

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