Apology…Accepted?
So I have a question for you. Let’s say that you and your spouse/significant other have a heated exchange. Let’s say that it’s pretty apparent, pretty quickly that one side is being unnecessarily bitchy. Let’s say you remove yourself from the situation and ignore the person for the rest of the evening because of how ridiculous they’re being. Let’s say that suddenly towards the end of the evening the other party, the ridiculously bitchy one, suddenly starts trying to engage you in conversation and is being nice - obviously making an effort to be the first one to let it go and move on.
Would you hold out for an actual apology?
I don’t know how many times Jeff does this. He’s crabby about something not related to me and then unleashes on me as soon as I walk through the door. Last night was one of those nights. I no sooner walk in the door, put stuff away that I had picked up at the market when he starts slamming around the kitchen, bitching about how unfair it is that he has to cook dinner eery night, he’s tired he doesn’t feel like, blah, blah, blah. What was complaining quickly turned into him being accusatory and attacking me over how badly I supposedly treat him - BY ASKING HIM TO MAKE DINNER EACH NIGHT SINCE HE’S HOME 3(!!!) HOURS EARLIER THAN ME. The man has no other regular household chores he’s responsible for on a daily basis.
So I left the room. Walked right out, went into my bedroom and changed my clothes, folded a bunch of laundry and put it away. And I didn’t talk to him for the rest of the evening. Along about 8:30pm or so he starts trying to make general, tentative conversation. You know that hesitant way you approach someone after a fight to feel them out. He tried it again this morning too. But he didn’t apologize. He apparently just wants to move on. Is it silly that I want him to say the words “I’m sorry…” and throw in “…that I acted like an ass last night”.
Really, is that so wrong?
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I think you are both missing simple communication.
When he walked in on you unpacking groceries and started off, you should have kindly and politely stopped him when what he said was unfair, wrong or unjust.
For example, you could have said:
“What you just said was really rude/hurtful/mean/unfair/selfish (whatever it was to you.) I am not going to have a conversation like this where you are treating me this way. Please stop. If you have to vent because you’ve had a bad day, tell me about your day. Don’t insult me. I don’t deserve this.”
It’s best to stop a problem when there is a problem. When we let it slide, the problem only builds.
I would have even continued on…”What you said was not fair and I’d like an apology. I have nothing to say until you apologize.” You can still say that now. He needs to know that you KNOW what he did was wrong and unjust.
You need to communicate more. Best wishes for happy communication!
Talk it out after he apologizes! Each of you explain how you feel and be sure the other is listening. Resolve this once and for all!
No problem is a problem if it is resolved after the first time. It’s when it comes back around — that you have a serious problem brewing! My husband and I live by this rule!
EyesOctober 6th, 2006 at 10:46 am
Because when the same problems comes back around a second time — someone isn’t living up to their end of the resolution — and they are not being honest, trustworthy or fair to the agreement originally reached!!!
EyesOctober 6th, 2006 at 10:47 am
I think every family is different. I’m married to one of the nicest people I know. He never argues. But if I let him know something he did that I don’t like (and I think about those things for a long time before saying anything), he rarely apologizes. I think that’s hard for some people to do. He’s really nice about it, but he doesn’t often say the “s” word. I just accept that.
cassie-bOctober 6th, 2006 at 1:33 pm
I’m probably not the best person to ask. I’m really bad about saying I’m sorry. Although I do hope to hear it.
I guess you need to decide if it’s worth another battle. I would however make him aware of it. He might not even realize it.
BronyOctober 7th, 2006 at 1:12 am
I think the first two comments here have some really good advice, I can understand why you disengaged though for fear of it turning into a huge battle. Maybe when he’s calmed down you could broach the issue?
AmyOctober 7th, 2006 at 1:50 am
My husband is the same way. I think when they try start up a conversation later; it’s their way of “making nice”. Which to some people is their way of apologizing without saying anything.
I say you slip some ex-lax into his brownies the next time he goes off like that. Then he’ll be sorry, even if he doesn’t say it.
FicklechickOctober 7th, 2006 at 12:09 pm
Wow…some very good advice here! My personal favorite…the ex-lax! LOL Seriously…my husband and I are having one of these battles right now. I have not spoken to him since last night. He was an ass. He needs to apologize for it. I refuse to “ask” him for an apology (again). When I’m wrong, I say I’m wrong and apologize. I hope all turned out well for you two. I’m sure you’re speaking to him by now! Have a good weekend.
BeckyOctober 13th, 2006 at 2:47 pm