what you wish for. Remember how I said I’d rather have a cold that the puking virus any day? I have a cold. And I’ve lost my voice. Do you know how hard it is to yell at your kids when you have no voice? It’s not easy hollering at them in sign language but I’m managing. LOL

Not much else is going on in our world lately. My husband is continuing to sell on eBay and is doing pretty well with all the useless crap he’s come across. He’s very discouraged with the job prospects in our area as they all require a level of use of his hand that he doesn’t think he’s capable of anymore. He’d like to keep selling on eBay but only if I’m home too. Which is discouraging.

You see I’ve never had any intention of running a daycare for the rest of my life. It was the best way for me to stay home with my children when they were little and still earn an income. It was also my intention to return to the work force when my youngest entered kindergarten. That is 2 and a half years off but I’m starting to have panicky feelings about my age and it’s dwindling marketability.

The other piece of this puzzle is that once I re-enter the work force I have no desire to just have a “job”. I want a career. I have 30 years of work left before I reach minimum retirement age. I do not want to spend those years in unsatisfying, dead-end jobs. I’ve had those before and it drives me nuts. I want to work in my chosen profession and advance and grow and never stop leaning and progressing.

I was once a driven, ambitious, intelligent woman and now I feel like a lifeless blob. I’ve lost my passion and some days feel like I’m going to lose my mind. Which brings us back to my proposed solution. First it looks like my husband will be going on partial permanent disability because of the damage to his hand. It would be easy for him to supplement that through Internet sales. He would be doing this from home and therefore able to be here with our children.

And I could work outside the home. And feel more fulfilled than I have in years. But my husband sticks his fingers in his ears and says “La La La La La” and “This conversation makes me uncomfortable”. And that’s as far as we can get. I’m afraid that if I wait too long to go back to school and get back in the work force, I won’t have options left. The thought of being stuck in an entry level position forever - makes me feel like the stomach flu’s coming back.

The most frustrating part is that he says all the time that he doesn’t want to “go out” and get a job anymore. He just wants to stay home. I’ve been home for the last 6 years and I’m ready to get back out in society. With adults. I think the most telltale sign as to how he’s really feeling came today when he looked at me and said, with a smile on his face “You’re not going to make me your bitch so stop trying.” He was kidding around. Sort of. It was said in a light manner but I think that’s what his problem is - being perceived as lazy and a loser because he’s staying home with the kids instead of being a manly man out working and providing for his family. Ridiculous how society fucks with our ideas of right and wrong.

He would still be earing an income anyway and the kids would be in school in a couple years. It would seem to satisfy everyones needs and wants. So how do I convince him?