My beautiful 2 year old woke me up at 6am this morning. I am not amused. She has since been whining and crying and driving me insane. I can’t put her back in bed because she screams and shares a room with her sister and the last thing I need right now is for both of them to be awake. Too late. They’re all up. If 3 girls drive me this nuts now, what’s going to happen in 10 years. *shudder*

My husband and I had our conversation about my going back to work. Just a side note that the fingers in his ears thing wasn’t serious or him being disrespectful. We play around with each other that way. I do things like that to him too. It was his way of saying it was a tough subject for him and that he wanted to talk about it at a more appropriate time. Understand that a post also only gives my side of things - my perspective at that particular moment, not a true depiction of how anyone is on a daily basis.

Anyway when we had a long heart to heart one night about it he said that if the world were ideal he would not get a job outside the house, that he’s never been happier than he’s been the last 4 months staying at home. He also said that if I wanted to get a job, go back to school etc that he would support my decision. He has conflicting feelings about his traditional role as family provider and his desire to stay home. He fears that other people in his life will see him as lazy and he doesn’t want that. He continues to pursue internet sales and for the most part really enjoys it.

As for me, I’ve taken a little more time to really give some thought to what would be best for everyone, not just me. The last post seemed like a big whine fest when I re-read it and it makes me feel very immature to have written it. I realize that besides just what I want, that if I support my husband in his pursuits as well, went back to work outside the home, my girls would be right back where they were when I had the scheduling job. They were unsupervised for the most part and running wild throughout the house and sometimes even the neighborhood. I absolutely do NOT want that for them ever again. It was a huge mistake.

So I’ve decided to continue with daycare until my youngest enters school. I have also decided to enroll in courses at a college that offers a Friday night and all day Saturday courses so that by the time Lauren starts school I will have finished my classes and be ready to start the associated internship. It’s what makes the most sense for the entire family, not just me. Sometimes I forget, and I get selfish and think only about what I want. I have my little martyr fests “Poor me, I never get what I want” and all too often make rash decisions that I regret later. Closing daycare and pursuing the scheduling job is the perfect example.