May

30

Blending Families

May 30, 2006 |

How was everyone’s long weekend? Mine ended up being busy enough with a lot of little things and I feel like I didn’t get a minute to relax all weekend long. Yesterday we went to my mother in law’s house for a real cookout this time. You’ll remember last time when we had a cook in because of the rain, in the midst of the remodeling and it was - uh - unpleasant to say the least. Yesterday was much better. We got to be outside, the kids played in the sprinkler and my mother in law was really very nice to me and quite relaxed. My stepdaughter and her son came over and spent the night last night which was chaotic but made my husband happy.

Jeff and I had a major blowout on Sunday night like we haven’t had in a while. Nasty things were said, tears were shed, and it just sucked. My son heard us and was very upset and I felt so horrible. Jeff and I both grew up in abusive households with constant yelling and fighting so we are usually so reserved with our conversations for the sake of our children. It’s not an issue that has every come up before. Jeff had a long talk with Nick and so did I. He seemed to understand a little better, as best he could anyway. I told Nick it’s what happens when people don’t communicate enough, things build up and sometimes they explode. So it’s better not to hold anything in, to say what you feel when you feel it.

One of the main things we argued about was his daughter. It all started because when he got home from working at his mothers house at 7:30pm (he’d been gone since 9am) I was tired, hot and crabby. I took 4 kids to the mall for the day to buy summer clothes, sandals etc. Ask anyone that has a large family how fun it is to take children ranging in ages from 10 to 3 for 5 or 6 hours of shopping. Yeah, good times people, good times. So he walks in and stepdaughter is with him to hang out for a while and I am just not up to it. She is so tiring to deal with and try as I might it’s hard to like her. I do what I can to keep the peace but I couldn’t deal on Sunday.

When I feel that way I usually try to keep very quiet to myself so I don’t say anything I’m going to regret later. And that’s what I did on Sunday and I got a rash of shit for it. I was accused of being rude; driving his daughter away and making the relationship he’s worked so hard to build with her a difficult one. He actually pointed right at me and said “You don’t like her. That’s your problem - no one else’s.” Nice. Thanks for the understanding. She lies to us on a regular basis, she has a questionable extra-curricular life, she steals from him and she tells me horrible things her father supposedly said to her about me on a regular basis. What’s not to love?

So how much am I supposed to put up with? I absolutely do not want to fight with my husband over this, I don’t want him to resent me and feel like I’m the reason he doesn’t see his daughter or his grandson but I don’t know what to do. My kids love their nephew and like their sister - although she gives Nick a hard time out of jealousy sometimes. I can handle her in small doses but she’s been here 4 days straight and it’s wearing on my nerves.

She’s a part of the family and always will be so I have to find some way to co-exist. She’s not all bad either. Sometimes she’ll try and help out with the kids and last night she helped me fold the 4 loads of laundry. I don’t know. I’m so conflicted about this whole situation. I don’t want Jeff to feel like he has to choose, that’s not fair, but imagine having the relative you have the hardest time getting along with in your house every day. Ugh.


Comments

11 Comments so far

  1. Nancy on May 30, 2006 7:06 am

    I feel for you, I know that’s hard. I am among the fortunate who have two stepdaughters that I can get along with very well.
    Sounds like your weekend was busy, ours was relaxed, although I spent it being sick with a cold, now I am faced with the “get up and go to work even though you feel like crap” morning.

  2. Rhonda on May 30, 2006 8:41 am

    That is such a tough situation I am sure. Just take it one day at a time. Maybe since you have had this arguement, alot came out in the open, and you can heal from there. *hugs*

  3. Bev on May 30, 2006 9:07 am

    I’m sure it’s very hard, probably somewhat like getting along with grown children’s boyfriends, or girlfriends. My only advice is MAKE NICE! You’ll lose in the end. Let him be the one to find fault with her… not you. No one deals with criticism from people outside their family…. just like with in-laws.

  4. cassie-b on May 30, 2006 9:32 am

    I’m so sorry for your problem. It sounds as if she lives near and visits often. What a tough situation.

    Good luck.
    Cas

  5. cmhl on May 30, 2006 9:33 am

    ughhhhhhhhhh………….. no advice, just thinking of you.. that must be beyond frustrating….

  6. Mary on May 30, 2006 11:06 am

    People always expect us (the mommies) to be the ones to deal with everything.
    Like we have some magic wand or something.

    And the SD- she is just young and immature and probably still hurt that her parents split up.

    I know I hated my first stepmother with a passion (she was very mean to me)

    Good luck!

  7. Steph on May 30, 2006 12:08 pm

    ((((((HUGS))))) any time spent amongst blended families can sometimes be difficult. not that it ALWAYS has to be that way, but it sounds like your situation with her is far from easy. i don’t know how i would react to what you’ve been through. am hoping that, in your argument, that you were able to tell him some of the things you’ve mentioned here.

    hang in there, girlie!!

  8. Aimz on May 30, 2006 3:42 pm

    you know I can totally empathise with you here on taking kids shopping, it’s like taking a zoo along sometimes and yep you and hubby fighting, been there too over the weekend - lack of communication? yep definitely our problem too, all I can say about your stepdaughter is maybe you could step back, kind of like take your emotions out of it and let him deal with her so that you aren’t the buffer in this situation becuase it seems to me that you are mostly the one in contact with her, his daughter, he deals with her.

  9. Northern_Girl on May 30, 2006 4:24 pm

    Hmmm…blended families are tough even when they ‘work’ - whatever that means.

    (Love the lemons. Very summer.)

  10. mrs. diamond on May 30, 2006 7:31 pm

    Ugh. I can’t imagine. I feel for you. But whatever you do, don’t make your husband choose. At the same time, you can love her and all, but you have to have boundaries too. She’s not a small child that needs constant attention. She should be able to understand ” I love you but I’m hot tired and cranky… so please forgive me I’m going to have a bath right now. but please…. stay and visit with your dad! Don’t mind me!”

    :)

  11. mrs. diamond on May 31, 2006 10:59 am

    oh my. this is exhausting. and there are no pat answers. I just don’t know what to say. If ANYONE ever spoke to my kids like that, I think I would honestly ban them from my life! That is completely unacceptable and inappropriate.

    Somebody obviously didn’t get spanked enough as a child.

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