Conflict and drama all rolled into one. That’s my stepdaughter to a T. I’ve known her since she was 7 years old and she has always been that way. She has a true persecution complex - she believes that everyone is out to hurt her and has always played the victim. Her story is not an easy one and I truly feel for her and try to find compassion within me. Sometimes it’s tough because she uses it as an excuse to abuse everyone in her life.

Her mother abandoned her when she was 8 months old. She dropped her off with my husband for a weekend visit and did not come back Sunday night. She didn’t come back for 1 year. And then she walked in and tried to take sd back like nothing had happened. Jeff didn’t allow it even though he was only 21 years old himself. I think along with guilt that Jeff feels about how sd turned out, he also feels a debt of gratitude like she saved him. If he hadn’t had that responsibility he would have continued to flounder the way he had been for most of his life up to that point.

I met them 6 years later when sd was 7. Jeff was 28 and I was turning 21. There was a connection with Jeff right away. The first night we went out we ended up sitting together outside on my patio talking for nearly 3 hours. Just talking and talking about everything. He told me about his legal problems in his past and that they were staying in the past. He told me about sd and how she was an important part of his life and they were a package deal. I had a great amount of respect for Jeff after that night because he laid it all out for me. I knew the truth about everything from the beginning. There would be no surprises - no questions along the way. It was made clear from day one.

Jeff had dated some women before me that were not pleasant to sd. She was wary of me and did everything to push my buttons and drive me away. Jeff kept her in check and I stuck around. I never once felt like “I wish he didn’t have her” or “I wish she lived with her mother instead and we only saw her every other weekend” or anything. I never felt the desire to have Jeff pick me over her. I got it, I understood, with one came the other and they were important to each other.

Sd and I did a lot of things together while she (maybe we) was growing up. I did take on a mothering role with her. I would watch her for Jeff before we got married so he could go hunting or fishing. We went shopping together and did crafts together. I brought her to friends’ houses and let her have friends over. I took her to summer rec programs and got her involved in other extra-curricular activities as I thought she should be - I took on an active role. And I was happy to - this family needed some structure. Did we fight? Yeah we did. Did I think it was normal power struggle fighting? Definitely. I never thought I was being overly mean to her and to this day I still don’t think I asked anything of her I wouldn’t expect out of my 4 children.

The one thing I noticed above all else was that sd was allowed to get away with a lot of bad behavior because of her “situation” with her mother. It was definitely a horrible situation that I would wish on no child but I felt that it did not give her a license to act like a brat to everyone either. I felt that we needed to teach her that she still needed to be responsible for her actions even though she had a very understandable reason behind them. It didn’t take long before she started planting the seed of how mean I was with her father. He fought her on the issue for a long time because he said he didn’t feel he had ever witnessed anything from me that was unfair or mean. But she eventually wore him down after a few years and when she was probably 10 or 11 the fighting and accusations over her ensued.

I think Jeff really wanted and needed the help with her but he just didn’t know how to handle the relationship between the 3 of us without making someone feel bad, wrong, on the outside and not valued. He tried; I will definitely give him that. I backed off and greatly limited my role with her leaving most things to him. Obviously I was responsible for things when he wasn’t home but that was usually for only a couple of hours in the afternoons. The teenage years were the worst. Lying, stealing, drugs, alcohol, you name it we dealt with it. Counseling was of no use, even though we tried and tried, because she didn’t want to go so she would placate the therapist with whatever she felt they wanted to hear to get a clean bill of health and sent on her way.

When she was 17 years old she dropped out of high school without our knowledge. Legally she did not need our consent and to her credit for deceitfulness she continued to pretend to go to school every day. She would get dropped off out front of the building and then after I left she would walk to a friend’s house and be back out in front of the school at 3pm. No one in the school called us to let us know because she told them she didn’t live with us anymore as we had thrown her out (we later found out). She had had trouble with many of her classes, getting mostly D’s and F’s even though she was bright enough to get A’s whenever she tried. I called the guidance counselor to check on her school performance as I had in the past and he was surprised to hear from me and told me why. I called Jeff and let him know everything and we confronted her together that night.

She was defiant. She hated school, it was a wasted of time, etc. Jeff told her that if she wasn’t going to school then she was getting a full time job and paying rent (go Jeff). She was pissed and told him basically to fuck off, he was her father and he owed her, there were no jobs out there anyway, etc. He gave her the “my way or the highway” speech and she chose the highway. She hasn’t lived with us for any length of time since. I know Jeff regrets that ultimatum and that’s probably why he’s so concerned about maintaining a relationship with her now. I get that. The 5 years since she moved out were littered with drugs, pregnancies, criminal charges and lots of conflama.

But I feel like we’re right back where we were when she was 7. Jeff so badly wants a relationship with her, and they should definitely have one, that he will let her get away with anything - still - so she won’t disappear again. He won’t listen to me about striking a balance, an “I love you and want you around in our lives. You need to be responsible for certain behavior if you’re going to do so” and leave it up to her. But she manipulates him. When he doesn’t yield to her she disappears for weeks at a time. And Jeff doesn’t see her or his grandson. So I think I get the overflow of upset and frustration and it wears me down. I have no objections to them having a relationship but there needs to be boundaries and every time I try to set some I am made out to be the bad guy. We need balance and I don’t know how to achieve it.