It’s funny how I can never stay away from here forever. I can stay away a long damn time, long enough for people to say, “well, she’s disappeared” and click the unsubscribe button in their feed reader. I still get my daily stats emailed to me so I see the gradual migration of my past visitors. And I don’t blame them. I have always had a fear of commitment and this blog is no different than any other relationship in my life.

My life is almost wholly consumed by work and family now – more so than ever before. I spend very little time on the computer (oh how I miss you my beautiful laptop) and I’m overwhelmed and exhausted most of the time. However, I keep getting this nagging feeling, this pull towards my laptop and my blog. I miss my blog friends. I miss the exchange. I miss the camaraderie. I miss the community.

I started blogging in 2002. I stumbled across a blog when I was searching through country graphic sites for my daycare website. I loved the idea of community and I was desperately lonely. I was working from home with children, isolated from adults every day and my marriage was in a BAD way then. Blogging and the people I “met” helped me feel connected.

But like every time, when people get too close, I pull back. I shut down. It’s all I know how to do. And it costs me friends and connections and feeling like a part of life instead of just a silent, numb observer. And last night it became crystal clear to me just how much it has really cost me.

I received an email from my best friend. A year ago she moved away. I live in the Northeastern United States she now lives in the Southeastern United States. Easily we are 12-15 hours apart. She apparently came up to my city on what was a somewhat urgent matter and did not contact me at all. Now at first I understood. They had a family emergency where they were driving up one day, staying one day to take care of matters and driving home the third day. But then came the kicker. When they were only a couple of hours away from here, her husband (whose health has been failing recently) decided he felt “off” and needed to come back here and go to the hospital. He was in the hospital for three days and she never contacted me. Not once.

She went on to tell me in the email of all the “meltdowns” she had and what a horrible time it was and I think in there somewhere was some sort of veiled apology for not calling me. I was stunned. And hurt. No, I think crushed is more appropriate. And because of the type of person I am and the way I was raised, I can’t help but internalize it. Am I that shitty of a friend that she didn’t even think of me as someone that would help her, that would be there for her, that would just sit with her at the hospital so she wasn’t alone? Even if she didn’t want to bother me because she thought I was too busy…Ouch. That’s a higher price than I ever wanted to pay.