I’m addicted to my routines. I have to do many things throughout my day in order. The course of my day goes pretty much the same one day to the next and I find a great deal of comfort and peace in them. When things get thrown off course though I’m lost. I start turning in circles like a dog chasing its tail, no idea where I’ve been or where I’m going.

Today was just such a day. It was Nick’s first day of school so that required a minor adjustment to the morning routine I’ve been following for the last 3 months. Only adding in fixing his lunch and cooking him breakfast. Oh and having him brush his teeth. And comb his hair. And get his bag. Deep breath - we made it. Pictures taken and he’s off to the school bus.

I try to pick up where I left off in my routine. Then my little daycare girl arrives an hour early. And she’s fussy. And she’s trying to mooch everyone else’s food. And she won’t eat her own. Deep breath. Bend down and give her a hug, see that it pacifies her and move on again tying to finish up my morning things I do.

Have to leave by 8:15am to go to Nick’s school for the First Day Celebration they have each year. Have made prior arrangements with daycare families for this event. Daycare boy arrives at 8:21am. Deep breath. Load everyone into the van and off we go to the school.

Relax; visit with other Moms, teachers and principal. Kids did very well. Ate some muffins, kids had juice, I had coffee and back in the van we go to head home. I get us all in the door and the phone is ringing but I’m saddled with 2 children under 2 and decide that this is what voice mail is for. The phone rings again. I don’t make it, the phone starts ringing again. It’s Jeff and he’s pissed because and I quote:

“I’ve been trying to call for over an hour. Where the fuck have you been?”

Little kids are determined to be out of ear shot therefore the reply is

“At the school at your son’s first day program. What the fuck is your problem?”

“SD is stuck in Massachusetts with no money to get home and wants us to Western Union her some. I’m on a job site and can’t fucking go anywhere. Can you go take care of it?”

SD is my 20 year old stepdaughter that is married to a man that is currently incarcerated, she is 8.5 months pregnant with no job, no car and no money. Her spouse is in Massachusetts and had a hearing today and she got herself down there but didn’t bring enough money to drive her very pregnant self home in the car she borrowed from her friend. Deep breath. Call friend to come cover daycare. Talk to sd on the phone and remind her that other people work during the day and this is very difficult. She knows. She’s sorry. She always is.

Drive, drive, drive to the local grocery store that is also closest Western Union place. Fill out form and make sure test question is on there as she didn’t bother to bring any ID with her, because – well – that would have been responsible or something. Go buy chocolate, drive home.

By the time I get home the kids and I are all freaked. Phone is ringing – AGAIN. It’s SD the grocer didn’t enter in the test question, she can’t get the money. I check my receipt and the question is there. Call grocer. Bitch out clerk. Bitch out her supervisor. Apologize to supervisor, briefly explain stress. Supervisor calls western union and makes everything right. Thank profusely. Don’t hear another word from SD Still haven’t. Don’t expect to until she needs money again.

Manage to get kids some lunch. Put them down for nap. They all fall dead to the world in a matter of minutes. I collapse. Mind is spinning. House is a disaster. Work is not done. Children have not played outside. No blogs have been read. Utter chaos. And at this point, I succumbed. Fuck it, I thought. And I eat some chocolate. I haven’t been able to catch up for the rest of the day. I keep going around and around starting things but finishing nothing.

Routines are peaceful but they can be stressful when you can’t stick to them. Sometimes they’re too confining instead of relaxing and helpful. By clinging to them I seem to lack flexibility to roll with it when things go awry. I hope tomorrow goes more smoothly. Deep breath.