Feb

22

Deserving

February 22, 2006 |

Life will work for me when I realize…trying to prove something to someone is never a valid reason for doing anything

I found that I was feeling a little hurt today that my post from yesterday only received one comment. But then I realized that it wasn’t because of what anyone else did or didn’t do, it’s about me. I understood that the problem was I was looking for other people to validate me and what I wrote about. I know what I wrote about is a switch for me but the words in those lessons really make sense to me and I am trying to put them into practice in an effort to grow.

Why do I care so much what other people think? Why do I need them to say “Great idea”, “Good for you”, “You’re right!”? Why? Because I have no confidence in myself whatsoever. If I believed in me I would be okay knowing that what I am doing is right for me. Period. I wouldn’t need anyone else to tell me. When you observe happy, successful, powerful people are they constantly looking to others for a pat on the back? No they believe in themselves - they know they’re smart, they know they’re capable and they don’t have to look elsewhere to validate it.

So why do I have such a problem with it? I think it all boils down to unworthiness. All of my life I have had so many problems with self-confidence. There are so many things I didn’t try because I believed I wouldn’t be able to do them or able to do them well so why bother at all? I am working to change that but so much holds me back still. I just want to be loved and accepted and constantly feel like I have to prove that I belong here on this earth.

I am adopted. I was given up by my biological parents because they were in college and getting ready to embark on their careers. They didn’t think a baby fit with those plans. I can’t help but wonder if abortion was an option would I even be here? I think this is why I feel a need for validation from everyone in my life. I need to know that I have a right to be - to exist. That I am not defined by the mistakes of other people because that’s how I feel. Like a mistake. It seems so adolescent to feel this way but I think that’s the point in my life where I got stuck.

When I was a teenager and things with my adoptive mother were really bad I remember seriously considering killing myself. I thought I had no right to live and that I was everyone’s mistake and it was time to correct it. My birth mother’s mistake for getting pregnant in the first place and my mom & dad’s mistake for adopting me. In 20 years I have never stopped feeling like I don’t deserve to be here but now instead of trying to justify killing myself - I’m trying to justify being alive.

I know just this awareness is my first step. I also know it’s going to be a long road to accepting myself within my own self - not because of what other people think and ay about me. I also know that for me to be successful the only one’s opinions of me that REALLY matters is mine. It won’t matter what a million people say or think if I don’t think it of me.


Comments

8 Comments so far

  1. mrs. diamond on February 23, 2006 9:14 am

    Oh this makes me want to cry. Girl you are so special that in spite of anyone else’s “mistakes” God kept you. He had His hand on you from the very first second and He has a plan for your life. You are important. You have worth. You are beautiful. I am crying here. I want you to get a glimpse of how much worth you have to God.

    Read this Psalm 139 (from The Message Bible)

    GOD, investigate my life; get all the facts firsthand.
    I’m an open book to you; even from a distance, you know what I’m thinking.
    You know when I leave and when I get back; I’m never out of your sight.
    You know everything I’m going to say before I start the first sentence.
    I look behind me and you’re there, then up ahead and you’re there, too– your reassuring presence, coming and going.
    This is too much, too wonderful– I can’t take it all in!
    Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit? to be out of your sight?
    If I climb to the sky, you’re there! If I go underground, you’re there!
    If I flew on morning’s wings to the far western horizon,
    You’d find me in a minute– you’re already there waiting!
    Then I said to myself, “Oh, he even sees me in the dark! At night I’m immersed in the light!”
    It’s a fact: darkness isn’t dark to you; night and day, darkness and light, they’re all the same to you.
    Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother’s womb.
    I thank you, High God–you’re breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration–what a creation!
    You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
    Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, The days of my life all prepared before I’d even lived one day.
    Your thoughts–how rare, how beautiful! God, I’ll never comprehend them!

  2. Aimz on February 23, 2006 10:14 pm

    I second Mrs Diamond here, honestly I use to feel pretty much the same way when I blogged: “was anyone reading my posts?”, “how many comments will I get?” but then the more I thought about it I realised that as long as I’m true to myself in posting what about the way I feel then that’s all that matters.

  3. cassie-b on February 24, 2006 8:26 am

    I wish I had the “answer”, because if I did, I would be happy to share it with you.

    Hang in there. And try to remember all the good things. It couldn’t hurt.

    I have been really busy at work lately, and haven’t been able to read posts that I try to always read, and yours is one of them. Sorry I missed yesterday’s.

    Cas

  4. Theresa on February 24, 2006 9:31 am

    Oh no. I am so sorry I missed that post! You haven’t been updating often, and I just didn’t think to look with the doctor’s visit I had, and E home from school.

    I don’t know you IRL Jules, but from what I do know about you, you are worthy. And those kids of yours think you are the world. Don’t ever lose sight of that!

    Your life has an important purpose, and I don’t think most of us know what our purpose is…then again, maybe it is just to be doing what we are.

  5. Andrea on February 25, 2006 11:42 pm

    Hi Julie! I haven’t been hopping in awhile, so I thought I’d stop by for a visit. I’m glad you are taking time out for YOU, even if it is only for 10 minutes per day.

    You have beat yourself down for way too long and it’s time to build up some confidence in yourself. I think you are a great person. I have always loved coming here and reading about your days, your children, the children you babysit. They all love you - and now it’s time for you to love yourself too!

  6. Danielle on February 28, 2006 9:41 am

    There is a great book by Joel Osteen titled “Your Best Life Now” that I encourage you to read. That book, along with “A Purpuse Driven Life” has made a profound impact on my feelings of insecurity and never being “good enough”. Here is an excerpt that I hope you find encouraging:

    “An old joke says, “If you break your arm in three places, don’t go to those places anymore.” There may be more truth in that corny line than we realize. When the pains of the past beckon your attention, don’t go back there. Instead, remind yourself, No thanks, I’m going to think on things that are of good report, things that are going to build me up, not tear me down, things that encourage me and fill me with peace and happiness, not things that attempt to steal my hope and drain my spirit.”

    As a fellow blogger and a woman navigating much the same road in life, I will check in and see how you are doing. Make some new declarations in your life, for example:
    I declare that I am blessed with creativity, with courage, with ability, and with abundance.

  7. mrs. diamond on February 28, 2006 9:58 am

    hey jules can you email me? i can’t find your addy on here and i wanna ask you something

  8. Michele on February 28, 2006 7:56 pm

    Julie,
    Even though I’m not adopted I could relate to so many of your feelings here for my own various reasons.I love Danielle’s comment and don’t think I can add anything more than that, so I just wanted you to know that I understand what you’re struggling with.

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