Apr

11

Emotional Silence

April 11, 2007 |

Last night I lost my voice. I’m not sick. I don’t have laryngitis. I just couldn’t find the strength within me to speak anymore. Each day stacks on top of the last. My mental exhaustion was the greatest it’s been since we started on this journey to get my husband well.

Today we are going to see a hematologist to ensure that his pain isn’t coming from cancer or some kind of blood disorder. We are back at the top of the hill on this roller coaster ride. In the beginning when we were told to think Lou Gehrig’s disease, MS, Leukemia or advanced Lyme Disease we were screaming down that hill railing at the unfairness. After being told that we were misinformed, but still finding no solid answers, a few abnormal blood tests have started another ascent.

One thing about this experience, it has strengthened our marriage tenfold. Our communication is stellar, our commitment solid. We never knew when we said our vows and made that promise “in sickness and in health” the level of strength it would take to get through a time of true sickness.

I have been essentially on my own for 3 1/2 months now. My husband goes to work and then comes home in so much pain he is relegated to the couch for the rest of the night. His job is hurting him so much it breaks my heart to watch. It is bad enough that his doctor has encouraged him to consider going on disability. But he’s chosen not to do so. He’s decided to switch jobs instead and hope that it makes a difference. He believes being on disability would make him feel useless and as a result he would sink deeper and deeper into depression. By switching jobs instead he can still feel as though he’s making an important contribution to our family. And he is.

I try hard every day to pick up the slack. Losing my job was really a blessing in disguise. I could never have kept this up for so long while working full time without losing my mind. I am cook, cleaner, maintenance girl, child care provider, family manager, accountant, chauffeur and some days above all else - cheerleader. I do whatever I can to make him as comfortable as possible, to encourage him to push forward when he has no strength of his own left. Some days though I have nothing left to give by the end. Some nights I’m completely exhausted and spent and empty.

Like last night.

Last night I lost my voice.

Completely.


Comments

5 Comments so far

  1. northern girl on April 11, 2007 11:57 am

    This must be so difficult for you - I have no idea what to say that will help. But I am thinking good thoughts and sending them your way. Not much help, I know, but…I am pulling for you.

  2. Amy on April 11, 2007 4:05 pm

    wow that is hard to cope with. Jules, please know that you and your dh are in my prayers and I know what you mean from trying to get housework and everything else done when you’re working. It’s hard and it’s good to see that you are trying to see the blessings in what’s happening.

  3. cassie-b on April 12, 2007 10:33 am

    This is such a hard patch for you. I hope things improve - and soon.

    Cas
    hang in there!

  4. Debi on April 12, 2007 11:17 am

    Oh my. My heart is just breaking for you! I wish there was something real, something tangible, I could do to help.
    I’m sure some real answers on the medical front would help both of you, and I so hope you find them SOON! And I hope the new job will help in the meantime.
    Believe me, I know that what I’m about to say is so much easier said than done…but you’ve got to find some time for you! It sounds like you’re ready to break, and who could blame you?!! But then you’d all be in worse shape than ever. Like I said, I know that’s easy to say, and yet seemingly impossible to do.
    You’re in my thoughts!

  5. mrs.diamond on April 12, 2007 11:20 am

    Girl you and your husband are going to be in my prayers big time. (((HUG)))

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