Jan

4

Fear - It Make You Think Stupid Things

January 4, 2005 |

First and foremost, I want to thank all of you guys that have taken the time to stop by and leave me a note of encouragement and thoughts and prayer. It does a lot for the soul to see such an outpouring of support. I am amazed and overwhelmed and grateful.

Still no news from the Doctor or the lab. My neck is feeling much better today finally. It’s been awful, just continuous neck cramps and spasms. For a 30 minute procedure the recouperation has kicked my ass. I’m trying very hard to stay busy and think positive thoughts but the bad “what-ifs” keep creeping back when I’m idle.

The worst thing is this fear that if I’m not good enough then the fates will swing the pendulum away from good news. Like if I’m short tempered wth my kids I’m so afraid afterwards “What if the fates think I don’t deserve my children because of the way I act and I get the worst news because of it.” As if it’s not already done and decided, as if it was ever subjective.

I find myself bargaining

“Please, please, please let me be okay.”

“I’ll be a better mom, I’ll spend more time with my kids and lavish more love on them. Anything. Just please let me see them grow up.”

I’ve started asking myself what I’m supposed to learn from this. I think that no matter the outcome of my biopsy that there is a lesson here for certain. One important thing is for me to start putting myself and my family first in front of everyone elses needs. My extended family and my husbands, my daycare families and their children, people in my sons school and our town. I’ve always been so worried about what everyone thinks - now it just doesn’t matter. My family and my health are all that matters.

I’m closing down the daycare entirely at the end of this week. My husband wanted me to keep one child on to keep the deductions that go along wth it but they just aren’t worth it. I’ve been hanging on because of the money, but the money isn’t important anymore. Giving my children as much of my undivided attention as I can is what’s becoming more urgent than ever to me.

Every little twinge in my body now I pay too much attention to. What was that? Is it cancer eating away at my body? It’s been hard to even say the “C” word. I feel like the mom in St Elmos Fire that whispers all the bad thngs. Say it aloud and it might become real.

Every time the phone rings my heart jumps up into my throat. I want to know but I don’t want to either. I have so much to lose.


Comments

9 Comments so far

  1. Nancy on January 5, 2005 12:21 am

    Those are very strong feelings, you are going through such a difficult time … thanks for sharing, and putting ALL of our lives in perspective … gotta go now kiss my sleeping daughter one more time!
    (still praying ~ N~)

  2. Autumn on January 5, 2005 5:59 am

    Hi Jules..
    Just checking in on you. Prayers being sent again for you right now!
    I know what you mean about bargaining and the other thoughts I have had them when I was very ill. I think that is all normal..
    I know all will be fine with you..
    Take care and make the best decisions for you and your family!
    I will be back soon!
    Love ya and loads of BEAR HUGGERS !
    SMILE!
    Autumn

  3. Diane on January 5, 2005 10:07 am

    it feels unfair to say that what you feel is normal because it makes it sound like someone is making light of what you are feeling and by no means is that I am saying. I guess it is just moments like these we are reminded of how our lives are. The waiting is the hardest part. Sending you comforting thoughts, good wishes and (((hugs)))

  4. Busy Mom on January 5, 2005 10:38 am

    I think your lessons are good for all of us. Thanks. I hope you get your good news, soon!

  5. Lizt on January 5, 2005 11:11 am

    Hi, my name is Liz and I am a recovering lurkaholic and dork.

    I love your blog!

    Come by and visit my January 5th post and be a part of De-Lurking Day!

  6. mrs. diamond on January 5, 2005 2:40 pm

    I totally understand your feelings of fear…. I once was tested for MS or possible brain tumor and I went through all those thoughts and fears and it was the worst time of my whole life. I wish I could just make it all better for you. I am praying that it’s all good news.
    ((((((((HUGS)))))))))) And you’re right, these kind of situations certainly do help put everything in perspective. Love you girl

  7. Very Mom on January 5, 2005 4:51 pm

    Julie, I am praying for you, please update soon and let us know how it’s going.

  8. VJ on January 7, 2005 8:56 am

    My prayers are with you. I’m sorry it’s taken me a couple days to get back here.

  9. Andrea on January 10, 2005 2:18 pm

    Hi Julie, I totally understand what you say about the bargaining. I find myself doing that at times - not even necessarily when I am sick, but maybe when my children are sick, or my parents, etc. And I also feel every little twinge and pain with myself and wonder if I should be going to the doctor. Ever since my experience with Carleigh, I’ve become very paranoid and realize the value of every single minute.

    I know that you are a great mom and I know how you feel that the “other” kids take away your time with YOUR kids. I’m glad that you will be breaking from that for awhile. I broke away from babysitting for a couple of years and now I find myself getting back into it a little as favors for friends.

    Your test results are going to be great! You have lots of fun times ahead with those sweet little ones of yours. *Ü*

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