Oct

23

First Day

October 23, 2006 |

I dropped my two littlest girls off at daycare this morning for the first time. My friend decided she wasn’t able to watch them anymore, my stepdaughter filled in for a while but given the distance away she lives and her unreliable vehicles we had to take a new direction with child care. There were a lot of pieces of the puzzle to work out but I think I managed pretty well.

  1. Multiple years experience providing childcare - CHECK
  2. Good references via word of mouth - CHECK
  3. Good go-sees by myself and with the girls - CHECK
  4. Thumbs down on lots of TV and thumbs up on lots of outdoor play - CHECK
  5. Belives in keeping kids active and busy to avoid problems out of boredom - CHECK
  6. Good location, reasonable rates, LOTS of toys inside and out - CHECK CHECK CHECK
  7. Clean house, nice family - CHECK CHECK
  8. Smiles a lot, interacts well with the girls, overall good feeling on my part - CHECK CHECK CHECK

It’s hard to leave them at daycare, especially Elizabeth my mute child. I worry about her more than any of the others because of her refusal to speak. I’m afraid that she’ll be viewed as the type that can be easily preyed upon because of how quiet she is. But I have to trust and have faith. I know I can’t keep her sheltered from the world forever. And the more we work on developing those skills now the better for her in the long run.

I feel guilty though. I feel like I’m the one that should be there with them. But I know too that we just can’t afford it. We went into home ownership and the bills that go along with it based on two incomes and that’s what we need to keep afloat. Daycare income became too inconsistent to rely on and I was lucky enough to find a job that even paying gas and childcare myself now I still bring home more money than I was when I was running a daycare out of my own home.

I feel guilty because it sounds like it’s all about the money when it’s not. I found out a lot about myself in the years I stayed home. I know that I want my children to have as stable a life as possible. I’m not stable when I’m home all the time. It sounds awful but home all day every day, I spend entirely too much time inside my own head and then find myself on a bipolar roller coaster that results in a filthy house and neglected children. It’s hard to admit, but it’s the truth. They were not in the best possible situation even though they were with their own Mom. I’m happier and much more even keel working outside the home. I feel less depressed and resentful and in turn have infinitely more patience with all 4 of my children.

I don’t worry about other people judging me for deciding to work outside my home and place my children in daycare. I worry I’ll become my own harshest critic. I’ve done it before. Hopefully this new childcare will work out well for my girls. I just need something to run smooth in my life. Just one time.

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Comments

5 Comments so far

  1. Autumn on October 23, 2006 10:29 am

    *hugs*

    For what its worth I could never stay home all day with kids either. Hell, even with my work I can’t stay home all the time or I’d go crazy. I depend on my friends to make sure I take time to go out. And I try to force myself to go work from a coffeeshop or winebar once a week. Just getting out is healthy for me.

    Of course, I also can’t work for someone else again. Never. I just don’t have the ability to be happy working for someone else. Which means major stress sometimes for me, but its worth it.

    I hope this works out for the kids! (sorry I rambled on - I miss you girl!)

  2. mrs. diamond on October 23, 2006 10:58 am

    i know what you mean about spending too much time inside your own head. you have to do what is right all around for everyone….. yourself included. cuz if mama aint happy aint nobody happy.

  3. Steph on October 23, 2006 11:40 am

    so sorry to hear that your well-laid plans didn’t work out. am happy that you found someone you can trust with your own kids and hope for you that it all works well.

    btw, you already know this, but damn, girlie, i could have written that post myself…. ((hugs)) hang in there. many changes are afloat, eh? at least you are bringing in more money than when you did daycare…. ;)

  4. Amy on October 23, 2006 4:26 pm

    I know what you mean, I’m going to have to find afterschool care for my kids if my potential job goes ahead. Hope it works out, your sitter sounds good.

  5. cassie-b on October 24, 2006 8:59 am

    Best of luck on the new child care venture.
    Try to remember often - it’s the quality of time spent with your children that counts.

    Cas

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