May

21

Hanging On

May 21, 2005 |

Greetings my friends. Thank you for your kind and supportive words. Seems like I’m always having a shitty time and you guys are always there cheering me on and helping me feel better. I didn’t mean to disappear but I do seem to shut down emotionally after an episode like that. It’s less painful.

The depression has hit an all time low right now. I barely clean my house, take care of my kids or work. Hell I hardly get out of bed. I take my laptop in there and sit in bed every day doing just enough work to get by until I feel the pressure of the mounting deadlines and then I start to freak.

I see that I need help. I know I need to speak with my doctor but to top it off I don’t have any health insurance. I could never afford medication, but I know it’s what I need. I remember 5 years ago when I quit smoking I did it by taking Wellbutrin (an anti-depressant) and god if I didn’t feel fantastic. So even keeled, no big highs or big lows. Just steady. It felt awesome. I want to feel that way again.

Things with Jeff are going okay. He had hard time understanding how I was feeling. What the problem was. He kept trying to make it into more than it was, challenging me on things like how I don’t do anything big for him on Fathers Day. I told him that wasn’t the issue. It was as simple as he said he would come home early to be with me, to spend some time with me, making me feel like a priority in his life and then he didn’t show. And that hurt. Bottom line that’s what I was upset about.

He did end up apologizing, sincerely but he still felt on edge and resentful too. Turns out when he was at hunting camp my mom was giving him a lot of crap about how he needed to be home with his family and not off hunting all of the time. My mom does not know when to mind her business. Jeff is only hunting for the 4 weekends in May. He hasn’t been since December and won’t go again until October. I don’t mind at all that he hunts or goes fishing or any of that. He works hard, has a right to do stuff he enjoys to unwind, and to be honest when he and I met 14 years ago he told me right from day one that he enjoyed those pursuits and to please not ever try to take them away from him. And I don’t.

But couple my being hurt with my mom hassling him and Jeff felt threatened from all sides and felt like I siced my mom on him, which I didn’t. It was just a huge convoluted mess. I don’t deal with conflict well either. Way too much of it growing up, so I typically just want it to be over with as soon as possible. It took days and days and I hated it.

So there’s where I’m at. Seems to help a little to write about it too. I feel a little better. One step I’ve taken is I have started exercising again and trying to eat healthier, whole food. I’ve gained 35 pounds in the last year and it’s time to get rid of it. I had worked so hard to lose the weight the first time, went from 182 to 135 and now I’ve jumped back up again. Seems that tumor in my neck just threw everything off. I’ve been so down ever since that whole ordeal. Even though it was thankfully benign, that brush with my mortality really shook me up.

I’ll get though this, I always do. It’s just going to take time. And thankfully right now, time is all I have.


Comments

10 Comments so far

  1. Nancy on May 21, 2005 11:16 am

    I wish you could find a way to see a doctor, and get on some medication. Sometimes that’s what we need to get over the rough times. For women, there is too much on the plate … and no resources for how to deal with it.
    When you do not get the support from your partner … the crash is inevitable!
    Please be strong, get rest and exercise.

  2. Bev on May 21, 2005 12:53 pm

    You NEED to get the medication. Plain and simple. You need to find the money from somewhere, and get it. It will be such a “relatively easy” way to make such a huge impactful difference for you and your family. Sell something……trade something, cancel a hunting trip, but find the money to take care of you.

  3. mrs. diamond on May 21, 2005 1:56 pm

    ((((((HUGS)))))))

  4. Michele on May 21, 2005 7:38 pm

    I’m happy to hear you’ve started taking some steps to feel better.
    I’m always an email away if you need to talk!

  5. autumn on May 23, 2005 1:16 pm

    My thoughts have been with you sweetie. I’m sorry things are down, and I’m sorry that you can get the meds you’ll need.

    Have you tried St. Johns Wart? You can only take it for 6 months at a time, but I find it helped me before.

    I do understand about being in a place where you can’t afford the doctor or meds. There is some help now available from the drug companies to get medications for free. Let me see if I can find it for you.

  6. lonely on May 24, 2005 2:20 pm

    Honey, meds will not help you with the mistreatment you feel. that will just subdue it. why is it evertime a mother is upset she need meds. why not get to the source which is family namely you husband and firgure out a solution. You are overwhelmed and need help and that is normal:) i read your blog and cried you took the words out of my mind. My husband is the same, i feel like a single parent , i hate to even ask him to watch my 2 year old so i can run to the store i would rather ask my 15 year old he’s more reliable. sad hugh. i have 4 kids and a full time job away for home and no help! i feel ya:) hang in there, you’ll find what you are looking for:)

  7. notdonnareed on May 25, 2005 2:13 pm

    You and I are in such similar places right now, emotionally and physically. I gained a bunch of weight, and I just can’t seem to get it off. I think that messes with your self-esteem big time. I also don’t feel like I get enough help from my husband. Even though he works a lot of hours and does more than most men around the house, I still seem to get stuck doing all the menial, thankless chores. It makes me feel like a servant. Even though I have health insurance, I haven’t been able to get the help I need. Doctors are such boneheads. I hope things turn around for both of us soon. Hang in there.

  8. monileigh on May 27, 2005 1:46 am

    Hi honey. I hate to hear you are down. Man can I relate. Wish there was something I could do to help you. Just know you are in my thoughts and prayers, ok? As cliche’ as that sounds, I mean it. ((HUG)) Anywho, love the new look in here too honey!

  9. Diane on May 27, 2005 9:08 am

    Jules - ((hugs)) I can’t remember if you were reading me when I went through my rough spell, but I went to the docs aswell and after - I walked out saying “hog-wash!” I am not a fan of meds. I ended up finding my “zen-moments” and grabbing them when I could. Weather it be walking in nature, meditating, or working out. The best advice is to make sure you find some time for yourself to grow as YOUR OWN PERSON. Maybe that could be something you could ask Hubby to help with. (allow you the time to do so as you allow him his time…)

    I sure would love to hear how you lost your weight..I am right there now and would like to try to get back down to 135 - but I am going to try to quit smoking again - hence the more weight gain…

    I am here if you need a “cyber” shoulder - heck…if you need to talk we can exchange phone numbers. ((hugs)) thinking of you!

  10. Andrea on May 29, 2005 12:06 am

    Hi Julie. I sure wish there was something I could do to get you up out of the dumps. All of us have our bad days - and sadly, some have more bad days than others.

    Glad to hear that you and Jeff are ok. I know that family members - parents, inlaws, etc. - can sometimes cause problems without even realizing that they are.

    Hope things work out for you soon!

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