Things have been crazy stressful here for the last week or so. I’ve been reeling from the hits from all different directions and trying to process it all but I just don’t know where to begin. It’s just too much for my little head to handle.

The hubs quit his job last week - the day after I had my last account taken away at the scheduling job for poor performance. I had let the work slide because I was leaving it to pursue the daycare enrollment full on. I had a bad case of short timers disease and I have honestly never left a job like that before. I have always had a clear sense of not burning my bridges but this time I acted differently, foolishly.

The night they called me to tell me I was really upset. “Oh shit, what have I done?” And the panic ensued. I waited and waited for the hubs to come home but it was 7:30pm before he finally showed. And he was exhausted and still slightly intoxicated from the time he spent with his friends after work. He came in the house and proceeded to lie down in bed and be non-communicative. Didn’t even say hello to me. Here I was waiting for him, my friend to share my problems and concerns with, and he was totally unplugged that night.

So I didn’t talk to him at all, didn’t share what happened. And the next day in a fit of anger that’s been festering just under the surface over his job, he walked out got in his truck and drove home. And then he found out what happened to me and freaked out. Accused me of being stupid to sit downstairs seething and not talking to him no matter his condition. Maybe I am hypersensitive and maybe I did talk it up in my head too much and yes I should have told him what happened but I figured I had 2 months worth of paychecks still coming and plenty of time to actively recruit for daycare. I didn’t know my husband was going to walk out of his job with no intention of ever returning.

And we didn’t talk for a full day. Then he woke me up in the middle of the night, clearly upset, and apologized for everything. The way he came home the other night, quitting his job, venting on me - all of it. And then he told me that he just couldn’t go back to his job. He said he knew he should go groveling but he just couldn’t. And I told him not to. He has been miserable at that job for SO long and has stuck it out because of a sense of responsibility he has felt for providing for us and for fear of making a change. I’ve always encouraged him to find another job because he’s of no use to us so unhappy all the time and wallowing in self-pity plus what about the example he’s setting for the kids? I don’t want them to think they have to suffer a job for the sake of employment and money when there are so many jobs out there they could have that would make them happy. I want them to love their jobs so it doesn’t even feel like going to work. Something neither their father nor I have felt.

So the hubs has applied for unemployment to tied us over until he decides his next step. I told him yesterday that if he’s going to take some time between jobs that he better use it wisely to figure out what he wants to do long term when he goes back. I hate uncertainty. I hate not knowing what’s going to happen with our family financially. My childhood was so unstable and unpredictable that I freak now at turmoil. I can deal with anything as long as I know all the details of what to expect. I hate surprises. Backlash I guess.

I, on the other hand, went and groveled for more scheduling work. Christmas is coming and while I don’t have a problem with my children having a smaller scale holiday I don’t want them to think Santa skipped them altogether. Circumstances like this are why I hate the Santa myth perpetuated by commercialism. If we have a skinny Christmas because we fell on hard times the kids will think they did something wrong and that’s why Santa didn’t bring them more toys. But if we tell them the truth about “Santa” then we can be honest about our situation - and assure them that while there may not be much under the tree this year they have a mom and dad that love them more than anything in the world.

I don’t know what tomorrow is going to hold and I don’t like that at all. But at this point - I don’t have much choice, do I?