Feb

21

Me Time

February 21, 2006 |

Life will work for me when I realize…I must make myself available to life - Iyanla Vanzant

I have begun reading a book of daily devotions titled Until Today by Iyanla Vanzant. I watch Starting Over every day and am so addicted to the show I’m sure it’s unhealthy in some way. The show has been pre-empted for the Olympics so in my fits of withdrawals I ordered some of Iyanla’s books to help control the jonesing I feel for self improvement.

A passage from the other day talks about taking 10 minutes out of your day to spend in silence for the purpose of clarity. This really spoke to me as I never take time to just sit and be - so I made a promise to myself that starting yesterday I would do just that. Ideally that time would be early in the morning before everyone else wakes up. However since I slept in yesterday I had to find that time by going into the bathroom under the pretense of taking a shower. Then I enjoyed the quiet and I let the thoughts pour out into my journal.

These daily devotions are spiritual and mention God quite frequently. To be honest I am a little put off by that as God and I do not have a great relationship. I do not trust in the “Him” that most religions have defined. I was always taught of a punitive God and given the path of my life growing up I have yet to figure out what I did that was so bad I needed to be punished as much as I was.

Aside from that the lessons are still there to be learned even if you take God out of the writings. The first day talks of being grateful for all in your life and to see the miracle, force and spirit in each and every thing. Day 2 - take 10 minutes out of your day just to be. Sit and reflect, journal, meditate - it doesn’t matter, you’ll be amazed at the clarity. Day 3 - you cannot coast through life. You must have a vision and a plan to achieve it. I am finding I look forward to each new day and the lesson it holds.

I am ready to focus my life like I talked about at the beginning of the year. I’m ready to start facing all of the crap that has been my life and growing out of it. I am ready to learn.

The other night I had 2 dreams that gave me pretty clear direction as to the most urgent areas I need to work on. I’ll be honest, it’s the first time I’ve really paid any attention to my dreams or given them any weight. In the first dream I was getting dressed for an event and I couldn’t find anything that I liked. I put on a particular blue dress and something was just WRONG with the way it looked. I started to cry and say how ugly and fat and self-conscious I felt, how unworthy I felt for even living, even being. A woman that was there just put her arms around me and said “I know, I know”. My self-image can best be described as wreckage and especially my body image is in a shambles. I have tortured myself for years because I hate how I look and worse yet I hate who I am.

The other dream had to do with people that my husband and I have been experiencing a greater and greater disconnect with lately. They answer our emails less frequently if at all most times and while they are family, we are just not a concern of theirs anymore. In the dream we went to their house for a weekend visit and the whole time we were there the wife of this couple was never home. She was absent the same way she is now. She and I used to have a great relationship. The worst part is that hers is not the only relationship I’m letting go bad in my life.

So my personal, spiritual goals are to build my self-image back up piece by piece and to mend my broken relationships. I know the 2 are intertwined and I know that they boil down to what I feel I deserve and it’s not much. I am going to start looking at each piece of wreckage that is the way I see myself and see how I can start putting it back together. I am going to write a letter to each of the people in my life that I have turned my back on and hope they respond in kind. I also know they may not and I need to be prepared to let go if that is what happens.

The first month of devotions, each ones starts with “Life will work for me when I realize…” Well I am ready for life to start working for me.


Comments

1 Comment so far

  1. mrs. diamond on February 21, 2006 2:47 pm

    Good for you. It really is a good thing to take time out to be still and silent and listen to the voice of God, to refresh and renew your mind.

    May you be richly blessed

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