Last night I got to talking with my son about some problems he is having in school and realized that some of the responsibility falls in my lap. Something he asked my help with a while back that I never got around to because I was “so busy”. So he is not only upset about the original issue but also about my not coming through for him. When we were talking about some school work that he needs help with, I told him that I would do whatever I could and he said “Well I wanted to ask but you always seem so busy.” I told Nicholas that I was never to busy to help him with something, that he was my number one priority along with his sisters.

I realized that I had let my son down on a few things playing my victim role. I had a discussion with Nick a week or so ago when he got in trouble for talking with his friends in class. He tried to blame it entirely on his friends and I told him not to play the victim, that he had to take responsibility for his part. No one held a gun to his head and forced him to be disruptive in his class. He made a choice and he has to accept the consequences of that choice - which in his case was a detention.

But last night was such a turning point for me. I realized that I sit around everyday reacting to my environment and circumstances and I don’t take any control of things. I sit back and play victim and martyr:

“Poor me I have so much to do and no one helps me so I’m just going to sit here immobile and do nothing. If they aren’t going to do anything then why should I?”

“It’s too hard to try and get all of these things done so I just won’t do them at all.”

“I can’t do this perfectly so why even bother.”

The last one is where the real “light bulb moment” happened for me. I realized that in reaction to my mother and the way she was when I was growing up I had become the ultimate victim and rebel. She was such a perfectionist that nothing in my house when I was growing up could ever be out of place or it was a mess (insert disgusted tone). My room would be totally clean, everything in it’s exact place except for one piece of paper thrown on my desk and that one piece of paper would be my undoing. My room would be declared a disaster and I would be sent in there to really clean it and not come out until it was done. I spent so many hours just dumbfounded over what was expected of me. Eventually I started avoiding putting things away altogether out of fear of doing it wrong. I would shove things under my bed, out of site because I was so afraid of putting it in the wrong spot in my room and thereby creating a mess that I couldn’t understand.

That’s when it started - putting things under my bed and it has continued for my entire life. Piles of papers lying around the house because I don’t know how to maintain the type of house and level of cleanliness my mother did so I don’t even try. It won’t be perfect - why bother? Well I told my son last night that when it comes to his school work that I want to know he’s giving 100% and if that’s C work then at least I know he’s trying his hardest. Right now he’s not working that hard. But the same has to go for me. So what if the house and family management isn’t going perfectly as long as I’m giving 100% and I’m not doing that either.

So I resolve to stop getting locked into that “perfection or bust mentality” and just try as hard as I can to get things done and as long as it’s my best, it’s good enough. The one thing I’ve really taken from this is a better awareness at how quickly and easily you can damage your kids with unrealistic expectations. I did it myself to the kids the other day and felt so ashamed of myself when I realized it. I had asked the kids to pick up the playroom and when I went down to see it later I chastised them as there were still a lot of things out of place. When I realized what I had done I went back to them and apologized and explained why that was a knee jerk reaction for me.

The great things with kids is that they seem to really respect when you act human and admit you may have done things wrong. How many things can you think of from your formative years that would have been easily repaired with an apology? I don’t want my kids to think that I’m so rigid I must always be right. I do not want to alienate them and make them feel like they can’t come to me and I know from experience that a know-it-all attitude is just the way to do that. Sometimes it’s so hard not to dump your baggage on your kids.