I’ve been feeling restless but quiet lately. I have all kinds of thoughts and issues rumbling around in my head but seem to have lost my voice. I feel repetitive and whiny and I’m sick of feeling negative. I know there’s happiness to be had but why can’t I ever seem to recognize it. I know it’s not elusive, it’s in my life all around me but for some reason I just can’t seem to embrace it. I am constantly changing myself and things in my life hoping it will make me happier but I feel like I’m forever chasing after a brass ring just out of my reach.

In an email from my best friend this week she advised me to stop being so conservative and guilty all the time and throw caution to the wind and go for the things I really want. She was concerned as she said that “the Julie I saw the last time was not the Julie I know, nor was she healthy, happy, or whole.” She also offered every bit of herself to help me feel better and pull myself up out of the trenches. I am so lucky to have a friend like her - she is always there to help and it is never dependent on how much I’ve done for her - its true unconditional friendship. I truly don’t deserve her but I’m forever grateful that she puts up with my crap.

I realized this morning as I was thinking about how overwhelmed I am feeling AGAIN that I allow myself to play victim of my life. I let my life control me instead of taking control of my life. The challenge? I’ve been doing this my whole life and don’t know how to change or where to start. I just know that I need to be different.