We had a very busy weekend and an emotional one too. Saturday we spent the afternoon with friends out on the boat - fishing, swimming, baking in the sun and keeping properly hydrated with some ice cold beer. We came back to the house and had a fabulous cookout complete with steaks and chicken, ice cold beer, pasta salad and corn on the cob, ice cold beer, baked beans and even s’mores for dessert. And did I mention that there was ice cold beer? I thought so. It was a great day, one that I hated to see end. It was the most fun Jeff and I have had and the most connected we’ve been in a while.

Sunday we had to pack everyone in the car and make the trip down to Massachusetts to a 50th Wedding Anniversary celebration for Jeff’s Great Aunt and Great Uncle. 50 years can you imagine? Some days I think 50 more minutes and I’ll choke him. But it was important to his mom that we go, so we did. 3 1/2 hours through every circle of “4 children under the age of 10 confined in a minivan” hell.

We had all of the classics

“Are we there yet?”
“How much farther/longer”
“Now how much farther/longer?”
“I’m thirsty/hungry”
“I have to pee”
“I have to pee”
“I have to pee”.

But thanks to technology - i.e. our cell phones to call and get directions with - we managed to get there pretty close to on time, for us anyway. And then it began. Meeting all of the relatives - seeing how many of them recognized Jeff even though it had been YEARS since we had been to any family functions of his. He usually refuses to go to them.

You see Jeff is the black sheep in his family, the bad seed. His father died when Jeff was 7 and he had a series of abusive stepfathers in his life after that. His eldest brother, the one that he was closest to, died in a house fire that Jeff survived. His mother had a nervous breakdown after his father died and has been a raging alcoholic ever since. And Jeff rebelled, forcefully. Every form of self abuse imaginable. Declared unmanageable and sent away to one place after another. All he ever wanted was to be taken care of and all he ever felt was abandoned.

See I forget when I feel bad about me that Jeff is broken too. It doesn’t excuse anything that he does but it helps to understand why he is the way he is. He’s one of those brooding, stoic types that you know the emotions run deep way underneath the bullshit. To be honest Jeff and I both have brought so much baggage to this relationship that I can’t imagine that we’re coming up on our 12th wedding anniversary this summer. We’ve joked that we were drawn together because we’re both misfits.

Anyway back to yesterday. It was really amazing to see Jeff open up and welcome the attention and the recognition. Everyone hugged him and told him how much he looked like his uncle, ribbed him some good naturedly about his rebellions as a child but no one was mean spirited. He was glowing by the end of the afternoon and although the kamikazes might have had something to do with it, I really think it was the acceptance that he didn’t expect but welcomed once he got it.

Having faced this fear of rejection from his family and overcome it, Jeff was ready to take on another ghost. We went to his hometown, to the cemetery where his father and brother are buried. The devastation of loss hit Jeff as soon as we turned onto the cemetery road. He tried hard to hold it together but once we got to the plot and got out of the van he lost it. The kids gathered around the grave stone too and at one point we glanced up and my son was trying hard not to cry, he felt so bad for his father. Jeff held Nicholas close and told him how much he loved him and what an incredible kid he was. Jeff told me later how touched and amazed he was at how much his son loves him, silly man. Of course he does. Some days that love my children have for their father is the only thing that keeps me plugging away at this relationship. They absolutely adore him, all 4 of them.

We left the cemetery and drove by Jeff’s old house, the one he lived in with his father and family before his father passed away. We stopped at a few places and Jeff shared some wonderful memories with us. It was a day that reminded me just how much I do love him and how deep his pain really runs.

He’s been sweet and loving and appreciative since Sunday. Telling me how much he loves me and what a wonderful and supportive wife I am. He even cleaned the kitchen before he left for work this morning just to help me out. Sometimes a little understanding and some good communication can go a long way.