May

3

Revelations and Frustrations

May 3, 2006 |

Yesterday when I was writing my post about being adopted and finding my birth parents I tapped into some anger about their reason for giving me up that I thought I had dealt with 7 years ago. I guess there are still some strong feelings - some need to call my birth parents out. I also came to the realization that the reason I have been coming up with excuses/reasons not to go back to school and pursue my career is directly related to this very issue. I finally understood yesterday that I didn’t want to leave my children in the name of a job/career the way I felt I had been left. Not that pursuing a career would mean abandoning or giving up my children entirely but it would to a point - in my mind anyway.

I shut down after that. I have a hard time facing pain; I always have and typically use food to numb out so I don’t have to feel when it gets too tough. I found myself eating junk and staring at the computer screen for way too many hours after that realization. I easily lost half the day. It took every bit of strength I could muster to drag myself out of my chair and DO something. Anything. I knew this time what I was doing though and I pushed myself to get up and get moving - fight the immobility. I cleaned up the house first, took a shower and then began the arduous task of setting up and switching around the computers in the house.

My husband got a new computer from Dell - a nice buy for the price - so I needed to start shuffling systems around to hook his up. The one J had is going in N’s room, the one in N’s room is going out in the playroom for the girls to play their Jumpstart games on and then the new one is going in J’s office. The first struggle was in moving N’s out to the playroom. He has a wireless mouse and keyboard and wanted to keep them so I tried to hook up a different mouse that we had kicking around. The computer didn’t recognize it and wanted the software disc to install it. *sigh* After 20 minutes I gave up searching and told N that his wireless stuff was going out in the playroom for now until I found an old-world mouse I could put out there.

Then I moved J’s down to N’s room. This was truly an uneventful installation until I tried to get it on the network. But I didn’t try that until after I had set up J’s. His is the hub of our home network so I needed to get his running before I could worry about the others. Hooked J’s up - spent 30 minutes tearing apart the house for the printer disc, finally found it after many expletives under my breath, got the printer installed and then went back to N’s room to finish his.

All went well until I tried to link to the network. The computer found it just fine but when I went to connect it asked for the security key. The one I set up for no good reason that I can figure out now. The one I couldn’t find written down ANYWHERE. The one I can only access through the management tool of the networking software that is installed on N’s (formerly J’s) computer and needs to be attached to the base station which is up in J’s office. So today I have to bring the tower back upstairs and hope that I can reconnect it without incident (ROFL - I kill myself, computer work without issues, too funny) and get the @#$%^ security key and write it down and put it in a safe place or eliminate it altogether. I really don’t think there’s much risk of anyone tapping into our wireless network out here.

This morning J told me he thought I needed to get to bed earlier so that I wasn’t so cranky and short in the middle of the afternoon. Yeah, okay J, whatever.


Comments

4 Comments so far

  1. Aimz on May 3, 2006 7:05 am

    oooh I hate it too when I can’t find certain computer discs etc. Glad you got it all sorted out. btw I think your feeling about being adopted are perfectly understandable and normal.

  2. mrs. diamond on May 3, 2006 8:15 am

    I can’t imagine the pain of being adopted out. ((hugs)) But someone CHOSE you…. how cool is that! My parents did choose me, they just had to take what they got. Well it’s something to think about anyways.

    I can definitely imagine the pain of computer issues. That is exhausting. Makes me not want to get a second computer in the house. lol

  3. Bev on May 3, 2006 9:09 am

    LMAO………..boy was that the wrong thing to say!!!

    I also have totally forgotten my network password, and have NO clue why I created one in the first place!

  4. Steph on May 3, 2006 10:04 am

    ((hugs)) i can only imgagine your feelings re the adoption. i know that things like that can totally change your opinion on life. my mom just found out the name of her birthmother (which didn’t happen often in the fifties….), and that totally freaked her out. also, when she had a breast cancer scare and was tempted to find her birth mother (this was before my grandmother gave her her adoption certificate), and her sister called her a selfish bitch for wanting to do so. even though she really only wanted her birth mother’s medical history. it all can be a big mess….and i’m sorry that you’ve gone through what you’ve gone through.

    good luck with getting your computer stuff settled!

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