Jun

9

Revelations

June 9, 2005 |

I’m not referring to the chapter in the Bible of the title’s name but rather to the experiences I’ve had in the last 24 hours. I have had 2 distinct revelations that are worth recording - and then dealing with.

The first one is that no matter what I do it will not be right or good enough for my husband.

The second is that those voices in my head that I wrote about yesterday - they are my mothers.

The revelation with regards to my husband occurred last night while watching Lost. There’s the scene with the woman (I’m sorry her name escapes me tonight) where she strips down to her underwear to bathe in the ocean and my husband is like “Hello” when he sees her. And this is what I’m struck by - not that he finds another woman attractive, I’ve been known to appreciate the male form on many occasions. It was that when I had lost a lot of weight, gotten down to 135 pounds from 182 my husband kept telling me I was too skinny and that I didn’t look good and my bones were sticking out and telling my parents that I was anorexic etc. Yet I’m only 5′4″. I wasn’t nearly as skinny as the actress on the show last night and she’s turning him on and I was repulsive when I wasn’t even that small. So fat or thin, it’s not how I look, it’s me on the inside that my husband isn’t attracted to anymore. Wow - that one really hurts.

I even asked him about it and he denies that he ever said I looked gross. He used those exact words.

The other revelation came on the phone with my mother this morning. My stepdaughter and her 8 month old son have moved in with us for a while and I’m okay with that. I don’t want them on the street and I don’t want them living in some drug addict’s house so here it is. My mother started asking about the bedroom we were going to build for Olivia in our family room downstairs. I told her that was on hold right now because my stepdaughter and her son are “living” down there. She was pissed. Started telling me that sd was taking away from all my other kids, we’ll be stuck with her forever, we’ll always have to take her back in, she’ll never make it on her own - just this barrage of negativity. And I realized that this is exactly what I say, only in my head. This running commentary of negativity and doom and just outright bitchiness and selfishness. I can’t get over this connection. I’ve been listening to this woman bitch about everyone and everything my whole life and realize that I do the same thing in my head. How do I break free of this one?

I feel like I’m drowning in this crap. My relationship with my mom has never been good. And my relationship with my husband has never been great either. How do I live with these relationships that are so messed up? How do I survive?


Comments

7 Comments so far

  1. mrs. diamond on June 10, 2005 3:28 pm

    Wow, that’s some deep stuff. I really don’t know what to say exact the obvious thing that comes to mind is that you cannot change your mom or your hubby, only yourself and your reactions to things. You know how they are so don’t have expectations and set yourself up to be hurt……And while I would never tell you to shut your mom out of your life, perhaps you could see and talk to her less?.

    Have you and your hubby ever considered counselling?

  2. Aimz on June 10, 2005 6:27 pm

    Hi Jules, I hope you don’t mind me commenting here, I came here through Mrs Diamond’s blog. I’m so sorry you are going through this stuff. I have had similar issues with my mother and found a wonderful source at motherinlawstories.com, if you go to the message boards they have different sections about mothers, fathers, husbands etc - the other posters there have had the same problems and have some good advice to offer which has been a godsend to me at times. I know most men don’t like talking about things with a counselor but I concur with Mrs D, it’s the best thing you could do.

  3. Michele on June 10, 2005 7:24 pm

    Oh jules, I’m so sorry I haven’t been keeping up with you lately. I didn’t realize things were so bad.
    I wish I could help somehow.
    But I DO understand and I HAVE been right where you are….
    If you need to talk please email me!

  4. Philip on June 12, 2005 1:22 pm

    Okay, just one guy’s opinion:

    First, I recognize the first revelation and those feelings. It sucks. There’s nothing you can do to *make* someone see you as attractive, as vibrant, as the cool person you really are, inside and out. If he doesn’t get it, then there’s nothing you can do beyond trying and being happy for yourself. He will have to look into himself to find the answers. You can’t provide them for him, and he would reject them if you did. DO NOT let it become the way you see yourself. He’s seeing you through a broken prism. It’s not reality, it’s not a true reflection of you.

    The second thing: now this is harsh, but you have to cut her off cold when she starts that. Mom, I appreciate that you are concerned for me but this is my household, my family, and my decisions. If you cannot keep things upbeat or helpful in general conversation, then I’ll have to ask you to keep your opinions to yourself until I reach out and ask for your help.

    Cold yes. Will it piss her off? Yes. Will she respect you for it. Probably, quietly. Does it matter? No. Again this is *your* life. Not hers. ENJOY IT Jules…

    Please, life is short.

  5. Andrea on June 12, 2005 11:49 pm

    Wow, now that you’ve made a couple of realizations, it’s time to do something about it.

    Like Mrs. D said, you can’t change them, but you can change yourself and how you deal with things.

    Does your Hubby even see that there is a problem here? Probably not, or you wouldn’t have the problem, huh? I think I’d tell him exactly how I feel. Of course he will deny fault in anything, but at least maybe it would get the wheels turning and he could stew over it for awhile.

    As for your mother… you don’t have to listen to her. You’re an adult, she doesn’t live with you, she has no right to tell you what you should and shouldn’t do, so basically, she needs to watch “Dumbo” - “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” If she starts going off on you, tell her you’re not going listen and then hang up. I wouldn’t tell her anything either.

  6. autumn on June 15, 2005 9:11 am

    I agree with Philip - the way he sees you can not become the way you see yourself. My ex treated me as if I wasn’t good enough or attractive, or because I didn’t do what he wanted, and so I was a terrible spouse.

    If it weren’t for others in my life, I might have bought it - hook, line and sinker. And it did get to me.

    You are a fabulous person, and you deserve to be treated fabulously! If no one else will do it, do it yourself. As a massage therapist, I know how wonderful it is to see people take care of themselves… and as a friend, I want you to take care of yourself.

  7. Suze on June 15, 2005 9:24 am

    I hear you about the mom issues.

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