May

7

Taking a Hard Look at Me

May 7, 2005 |

I’ve locked myself away in the bathroom because it’s the only place I seem to be allowed to have a complete thought. Jeff is gone hunting for the weekend so it’s just me and the kids. It seems that whenever I’m home on the weekends, when life has slowed down a bit, my thoughts just tumble continuously from my brain in a big swirling mess. Maybe it’s because I slow down enough and am quiet enough to hear my own thoughts late in the evening when it’s just me.

This is typically when revelations occur to me. The types of things that make Jeff say “Why did I go away and leave her alone. She always thinks too much.” If you hadn’t noticed I’ve chosen a mood of disappointment. That disappointment is in me. I’ve let myself go, lost me and what matters to me. I’ve settled. I’m not who I want to be or where I want to be in my life. I feel like I’ve let myself down.

Funny enough it was watching my favorite romantic movie last night that made me realize that my life has become so lackluster and I’ve allowed it to happen. I’ve sunken into depression and complacence and it’s hurting me and my family. I used to be such an intelligent, energetic, passionate person and now I feel as though I quite nearly cease to exist except for what purpose I serve to others. I am defined only by my usefulness, not what’s inside me.

I had passion once in my life and it got away from me and to this day I don’t know how I lost it, why he left. It was the kind feeling where your heart rises into your throat and you feel your breath being taken away every time you see him. I used to think it was he who I missed but it isn’t. It’s that feeling. You feel alive when all of your senses are exposed like that. And I long to feel that way again.

I can’t possibly begin to rediscover the passion in my life if I live it only to exist, to survive day to day. I’ve made choices that have limited me and my potential and find myself filled with regret now. The change happened when I met Jeff and graduated from college, both which occurred at nearly the same time. That’s not to say it was his fault, I make my own decisions - live my own life. But at that time I stopped being me – my confidence in myself bottomed out. I stopped trying to be anything or do anything. Jeff and I come from very different “stations” in life and instead of encouraging him to rise to mine I’ve let myself fall into the depths with him. That’s not to say that I thought I was ever “better” than him, just raised with more privilege and belief in all I could achieve.

Jeff is a brilliant man that comes from a background of no recognition, encouragement or nurturing of any kind. Alcoholism and violence colored his childhood. He stopped believing in himself years ago. And instead of continuing to fight the good fight and showing him all of life’s possibilities, I’ve given up along side of him, believing I’m not worthy of what so many others have - I have no confidence left.

I know now that I don’t want to live this way anymore - simply surviving. I want to feel alive!! I want to feel driven and stimulated and challenged and purposeful to myself instead of others. I no longer want to be a slave to my spouse or my children or my job or my house or my guilt – and the list goes on. I want to be free!! But I don’t want to leave them behind - I want to show them the freedom right along side of me. I have 3 daughters to raise and I don’t want them to give up before they even get started the way their stepsister did.

There has to be a lot of healing in me to get back to this place in my life. I need to learn how to care about me and my wants again. To take the time to take care of me and not be so insanely driven to please everyone else around me. I need to dig my way out of this depression that continues to suck the joy out of my life each and every day. If this means seeing a doctor, a therapist, well then I am worth it! I am worth whatever it takes to be the happiest, most passionate, fulfilled version of myself I can be. And I begin today.


Comments

3 Comments so far

  1. Bev on May 7, 2005 3:53 pm

    I’ve been and often am exactly where you are. I don’t know if there’s very many Mom’s that don’t feel like this at times. Some of us feel it worse than others. Get to your doctor, and get back to your workouts and healthy eating. It will help! (now I need to figure out how to get myself back to those 2 things!)

  2. Nancy on May 7, 2005 4:31 pm

    You are one of so very many women today … just as I am. Find yourself a doctor, do not be afraid to take some medication that may temporarily lift you out of the pit … just until you can do it on your own, and for your sake and your children’s find a therapist you can talk to. I did, and she has done so much for my self-esteem, my drive to please everyone around me, my guilt (ok, so we’re still working on that one) and many other things.
    I have noticed improvement over the past year, and I am a better wife and mother for it. One of my fears is to pass this negativism on to my daughter.
    E-mail me, if you need to talk.

  3. Blair on May 8, 2005 10:23 am

    For me, the “thing that had been lost” was grace, I wanted that back so bad, and I was not even married or had children at the time. I think it is that we get so tired and caught up in the minutae of life that we get so down. While my life still is not the bowl of cherries I strive for, giving myself challenges to over come that are based on my fears helps, I start very small… for example, I hate confrontation… so I try to tackle it out right away and get it behind me… however, sometimes now I go a bit overboard so I am trying to look at situations and see which might be the better path, to attack it or to observe it for a while (which has its own issues that feed on my tendencies for paranoia).

    I guess that this mini reveal that does me no justice, perhaps it is to say that life is pretty f%#*ing hard and I just refuse to give up (even though I may say I want to…)
    Does what I wrote make any sense? These type of thoughts are so hard to write down because they are so complex…

    Thinking of you!

Name (required)

Email (required)

Website

Speak your mind

← Changes - Not For The Better Happy Mother’s Day →