May

2

Taking the Next Step

May 2, 2006 |

Yesterday I talked a little bit about how I’ve been working on me. Trying to get healthier mentally and confronting those things that are holding me back from the life I really want. Let’s just say, I’m getting real. I am facing fears and feelings and judgments I hold, little by little in an effort to shake free of the old me and become a new and improved model. I have felt stuck for years and I want to move forward not only for myself but for my children as well.

The one thing I keep coming back to when I think of why I act and feel the way I do is being adopted. It’s not easy being adopted. I know it should be wonderful being a “chosen” child and in some ways it is. But in some ways it’s not so great either. I grew up always feeling like a misfit - like I didn’t belong or fit in anywhere. I didn’t know where I came from or where I was going. I know that’s not unique to being adopted but it seems to have driven so many choices in my life.

My adoptive mother was also abusive - with her words and her hands. Probably more so with words than hands if I had to quantify it. It was very hard for me not to internalize that and wonder what was wrong with me. I felt like I had struck out with not one, but two mothers and it was probably the most crushing judgment I could have put on myself. That I did something to bring about my whole, painful situation. I was the model child, trying so hard to please everyone to justify my reason for being. But I always felt like a huge mistake.

And I realize now that a big part of being stuck is engrained in my feelings about being adopted. So I’ve decided to begin the search for my birth parents. I have some information already and today I’m going over to our town clerks office to have a document notarized that will add my name to our state registry and see if there is a match. In VT if you were born before 1986 your adoption records are sealed and can only be opened with the consent of both parties, hence the registry.

I think my biggest fear is that no one is looking for me. I know it ties back to feeling like I don’t have a right to be - like I have to fight to prove I have a reason to exist. It also has to do with a paragraph on the paper I received from my adoption agency 7 years ago. I had written and requested medical information as I wanted to know for my children’s sake if anything ran in the family. The challenge there is that when I was born, everyone was young and healthy. Not much help.

But there was a lot of other information. There were a few paragraphs about each of my birth parents with their first names, information about their parents and about their siblings. They were both in their 20’s, both were 1 of 4 children (I have 4 children and my husband is one of 4 also - kinda weird huh?), one had just graduated from college and the other had one year left. And this was the reason for giving me up according to this paper.

Reason for Adoption Plan

K and M wanted to complete their educations and pursue their careers and thus did not believe they could care for a child at that time in their lives. They felt that adoption would be in the best interest of their child and contacted (the adoption agency) to assist them in making an adoption plan for their child.

(The adoption agency) has had no contact with the birth parents since that time.

See that felt like a kick in the stomach when I read it. I had always said that if abortion had been legal in VT when I was born that I would not be here and I do believe that sentence solidifies that belief. And now as a mother it’s hard not to judge. It’s hard to understand why someone would give up their child to pursue their career. It’s not as though they were teenagers or drug addicts or uneducated with no means to take care of themselves or a baby. One had a college degree and the other was almost finished. I am aware that there are likely many more details that I’m not privy to that were behind this decision. This is why I need to find out though. Find out who they are and what really happened or I will forever feel like I don’t belong in this world. It’s the closure I need and hope to find before it’s too late.


Comments

4 Comments so far

  1. cassie-b on May 2, 2006 6:38 am

    Hang in there!

  2. Aimz on May 2, 2006 3:40 pm

    Yep I have many adopted friends and they have shared with me that finding their roots is like finding bits of a puzzle so I can understand your reasoning behind it. I hope it goes well and I’ll be praying lots for you here.

  3. Bev on May 3, 2006 9:06 am

    I can’t say I blame you. I shared the exact same opinion while reading the info. Very hard to be sympathetic or understanding under those circumstances.

  4. mrs. diamond on May 3, 2006 9:02 pm

    I’m sure I’d feel the same way…….wanting to find those roots. Good luck hun

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