:sun2-ani: My sil is coming for the weekend along with my bil and their 2 kids. I really enjoy visits with my sil, she’s a lot of fun to hang around, I get some much needed retail therapy and I have someone to bitch with about Jeff’s crazy family. But their visits always bring on intense anxiety too.

You see, I have a dirty little secret, well actually it’s a big secret and it’s called my house. I am a horrible housekeeper and I always get panicky about the condition of my home. We have a lot of clutter, piles of papers and books and magazines all over the place.

I pick up around the house every day, I vacuum and sweep the floors every day but as for any deep cleaning; it’s virtually non-existent. I have 4 children ages 8 and under, I work 11 hours a day taking care of other people’s children in addition to my own and I spend most weekends running a billion and one errands or going to a training seminar related to my chosen profession.

So I feel guilt and shame that my house always seems messy and dirty. Of course I will dash through the house like a crazy woman tomorrow trying to clean that which I have left untouched since the last time they came to visit 6 months ago but it will just make me cranky, exhausted and defeated.

I don’t know that she judges me on the appearance of my house, but I know I always feel self-conscious and like I just can’t relax at all. Like I have to put on this image of “I’m trying as hard as I can. Really I’m not a lazy, good for nothing slob” but it just makes me resentful. No matter how hard I do try it will never be good enough - for me.

I know that’s a lot of the problem, because in reality I will clean quite heavily tomorrow and it will look okay, not great but pretty good. But I will see the dust I missed and the cobwebs I forgot to get in the corner or the dried glob of grape jelly on the couch that I didn’t even know existed until 5 seconds before.

I feel overwhelmed by my life a lot. I know it’s the path I have chosen but sometimes it’s just so insurmountable. I don’t know how I’m ever going to get anything done - let alone everything like Supermom’s supposed to.

So the company will come, we’ll have a good time and a few too many Mudslides and I’ll forget about the dirt and grime around my house until they leave. And then I’ll wonder what they’re saying on their ride home “Did you see those curtains, it’s like they haven’t been washed in years. Do you think she ever cleans behind the stuff on her kitchen counters?” And then I’ll say fuck it and I’ll go on about my cluttered, messy life the only way I know how.