Jan

8

The Waiting Game

January 8, 2005 |

I am doing my best to go on with life as normal as I can. I know the busier I am the less I will have time to dwell on the possibility that I might have cancer. I am however coming much more to grips with the possibility - steeling myself for the worst. Preparing in my head how I will take the news if that in fact is what the news is and how my life will go from there.

Then something will happen that will shake my resolve, my logical analysis of things possibly to come and I lose it and have to work hard to get it back again. My Dad called last night. My Dad never calls, it’s always my Mom. But last night it was my Dad so I knew something was up. Like the time I had skipped school and came home at 3pm and found his truck in the driveway - this was not good.

Turns out he was calling because he thought I would have my lab results on Friday, I forgot to tell them I had changed my follow up appointment. The thing that shook me - my Mom couldn’t call because she was too afraid of the news. Afraid it was going to be bad. You know how it is too, the thought of one of your children being sick like that, having cancer, it would surely kill me. I can’t imagine how she feels.

The other thing that really got to me last night was Bizzy. “Bizzy” is the nickname we gave my 2-year-old daughter Elizabeth. Last night she had a hard time falling asleep so she came in with us and cuddled with me. She asked me to turn off the TV and we lay there dozing with arms wrapped tight around each other. It was at that moment that I realized just how Bizzy needs me and how much I need to be there for her.

Of all 4 of my children she is the one that is closest to me, the most dependent on me. She is the one that went on a hunger strike when I was in the hospital after having our fourth child. She is the one that would not let her father feed her or change her or hold her or cuddle her for the entire first year of her life.

And as I held her so tight to me last night I started to cry. Just silent, streaming tears repeating the same thing over and over in my head

Please God don’t take me from her.

Please let me see her grow up.


Comments

8 Comments so far

  1. mrs. diamond on January 9, 2005 10:01 am

    I’m sitting here crying with you hun. I am praying the same thing.

    Please God, don’t take her from her babies, Let her see them grow up.
    Please God, heal WHATEVER it is that is wrong in her body. I ask that the results are good news, but even if the news is not good, we know that You, O God are bigger than any sickness and we ask that you heal her body right now in Jesus Name. We give you all the glory and all the praise and all the honour. Thank you for your goodness and mercy, Lord. Thank you for who you are. Thank you for all you’ve done and thank you for what you are going to do. I ask that you wrap your arms of love around Julie right now and let her know that You are with her and that everything is going to be alright. In Jesus Name, give her peace. Touch her family. Cover them all with your saving healing blood. Make everything right. In Jesus name
    Amen

  2. Michele on January 9, 2005 10:46 am

    Hang in there sweetness. I’m thinking of you!

  3. Autumn on January 9, 2005 4:52 pm

    Hi Jules :)
    I just have a wonderful feeling that you are going to be fine. Keep your chin up…I know it must be hard but you are a strong woman!
    Prayers are being said for you constantly. God is holding you up through all of this and maybe like the Footprints saying he might just be carrying you all the way through this.
    We are here with you be it through cyberspace or not. I love you and I am only an email away toots!
    GIANT SMILES AND BEAR HUGGERS FOR YOU SWEETS!

    Dear Lord may you bless and keep Jules and her family through this anxious time and bless her with good health and a long life.
    In your name Lord!
    Amen

  4. Snapper on January 11, 2005 6:42 am

    Delurking to say I’ll be thinking positive thoughts……..when are you expecting to get the results?

  5. Tom on January 11, 2005 2:28 pm

    I linked from another blog. Your story….well let’s say…..real men do cry. Be strong for yourself, your family and know you can beat this.

  6. Tänia on January 11, 2005 3:07 pm

    Not even sure how I got here… but wanted to tell you that you are definitely in my prayers now! I am so sorry that you are walking through this. {{{{hugs}}}} Don’t have any real thoughts that will lift you above the circumstances or zingers that will make you stop and say… hmmmmm… and sadly, no answers. But I can offer you a hand of friendship, a prayer, an encouraging cyber hug. :smile:

  7. Andrea on January 11, 2005 11:26 pm

    Keep your head up Julie, it will all be ok.

    Bizzy is such a cute lil’ name for your cute lil’ girl. Snuggling with them is so much fun - and each minute you realize how much you love them and would do anything for them.

    *hugs*

  8. Barbara on January 15, 2005 11:26 pm

    I just linked to you from another blog. Praying for you and sending healing thoughts your way.
    Wishing you all good things.

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