Today I turned 34 years old. And I feel it. Funny how when I was a kid I had no concept of being this old. I was just going to stay 18 forever I guess. Wouldn’t that be nice now? LOL Then I’d be going out partying tonight instead of anxiously waiting and wondering if this year my husband will actually remember my birthday or will I have to remind him before he gets home to take the sting out of the disappointment.

My parents always made a really big deal out of my birthday, I assume, because I am adopted. Big celebrations, family parties, dinners out at really nice restaurants, trips to the city. And then I married a man that can’t remember his own birthday let alone anyone else’s and it has always hurt. Maybe a little more so than “normal” because I have this need to feel like my being here matters to somebody. Perhaps because I have this illogical belief that to some it does not.

Being adopted was tough while I growing up. I never felt like I belonged or fit in anywhere. I didn’t know anything about other people that might be like me – there was no one like me. I felt unwanted, like there was something inherently wrong with me, like I had done something to not be worthy. When I got older, oddly, this didn’t change.

A few years back, after I’d had my son, I requested my medical information so that my children would not be left in the dark as I had for so many years

“Sorry, I don’t know my family medical history. I’m adopted.”

There was so much I found out. More than I expected – more than I wanted. I found out my biological parents first names. How many siblings they had. That both sides were almost exclusively Irish. That everyone was healthy in 1970 (they were all young – that’s not a big surprise). That they were both in college and wanted to pursue careers and that is why I was put up for adoption.

“Karen and Michael felt that this time in their lives was not a good foundation for a family as they were each beginning pursuit of their careers.”

Ouch. Admittedly I still haven’t totally gotten over that one. I have done the adoption registry searches and sadly no one is looking for me. I have put my name in with the state of Vermont and there has been no contact. Then there was the line at the bottom of the “non-identifying” information sheet:

”No further contact has been made by the biological parents with this agency since the time of the adoption.”

I guess they just want to move on and that is there right. I don’t want to impose on anyone’s life. But on days like today I can’t help but wonder – are they thinking of me?