Aug

3

Changes…

August 3, 2005 |

Wow that birthday really kicked me in the ass - I’ve gotten too old and tired to post. LOL Actually I just got so overwhelmed with end of the month, work nightmare stuff again that I haven’t seen the light of day in a week. I’ve been chained to my laptop, working non-stop and questioning whether this is the right job for my family.

In order to make money scheduling, one has to take on projects large enough and complex enough to generate a decent income. The drawback is that clients want you to be at their disposal doing things on their deadlines during the day while you plan on getting your work done early morning/late evening when your kids are in bed. What happens is you end working all the time - without a break. Loosen your grip even slightly on the projects and they blow up in a way that is ultra stressful to try and recover from. And this means I haven’t taken a full day off since I had the tumor taken out of my neck in December.

So not only am I completely burnt out but my children are starting to suffer the neglect too. I have less time and attention for them than I did when I was running a daycare here and oddly one of the reasons I thought to change jobs was so there would be fewer children here and therefore my own children would have more of my attention. Just the opposite has happened and the guilt is overwhelming.

My darling 3 year old Elizabeth - the child with those big eyes that conned Daddy into a puppy - is developing behavioral problems that are spinning quickly out of control. She’s angry, aggressive, spouts “I hate you” at everyone in her path and has even taken to escaping from the house and sneaking off to the neighbors. I lock and bolt all the doors but invariably she either figures one out or someone uses the door to let an animal in or out and forgets to re-bolt it and off she goes.

It’s tough because in a lot of ways I like the job I have and wonder if once school starts if it would any different or better but then of course what about school vacations? My husband has expressed that he’s concerned that the kids feel neglected - evidenced by dirty children, a dirty house and a chronically stressed out mommy. He’s been helping out a lot with cooking and cleaning stuff lately but he’s not here for 12 hours a day between work and commute.

From a bottom line standpoint, I only make a few hundred dollars more a month than I did when I had the daycare open but I’m easily working twice as much. The money is steadier though - my salary has been pretty consistent over the last 9 months. Daycare can be much more fickle - people move, jobs change, hours change, cost of living keeps getting higher around here. I enjoy this work to some extent too - having contact with grown ups - using my brain on challenging projects.

But the stress at times is unreal and I more often than not feel like I’m chained to this computer and there’s no joy in being on it at all anymore. If I take a few minutes to visit my favorite blogs I feel guilty for taking the time and see that little envelope icon is my systray and feel pressure to open it up and answer more emails and get more work done. But like Jeff pointed out - when my life is done and I’m looking back at it am I going to wish I had worked more or spent more quality time with my children? The answer is obvious but the reality is that I also have to work. That’s the trade off for raising my kids in this beautiful, small, rural community we live in.

I need to find something that balances it all and I just don’t know where to turn now.


Comments

8 Comments so far

  1. mrs.diamond on August 3, 2005 10:07 am

    Wish I had some wisdom to spew, but I don’t have anything to say that you don’t already know.

    Praying God will give you clear direction, and doors will open for you. (hug)

  2. cassie-b on August 3, 2005 3:48 pm

    Tough. And it’s hard to make those kinds of decisions. Working all the time isn’t good - for you or your family. But it doesn’t look like you have much of a choice, at least at this moment in time.

    Hang in there!

  3. M on August 3, 2005 5:22 pm

    I’m sorry you are feeling this way, … let me assure you that there are lot more of us that feel the same way….. is there something else you could do from home that wouldn’t be so time consuming???? hang in there..

  4. Aimz on August 4, 2005 3:49 pm

    My sentiments are with what Mrs Diamond’s said, honestly Jules if the job is stressing you out and you aren’t happy then there’s no point doing it. Youvé got to enjoy what you do as well as make money from it.

  5. Autumn on August 5, 2005 10:02 am

    Hey you!
    Whatcha doing? I wanted to let you know I am back from our summer hiatus! We have wonderful news to share :)
    Huggers girly!

  6. Theresa on August 6, 2005 11:53 am

    No pearls of wisdom to share, unfortunately, but I have a two for one special on hugs…

  7. Michele on August 10, 2005 9:39 am

    I hope everything works out Julie. Keep us posted.

  8. cassie-b on August 15, 2005 4:54 pm

    It sounds like a good plan to me. I taught nursery school for 7 years, and know how important it is for children to be around people who care. And I feel certain you really do care.

    Best of luck with your decision.

Name (required)

Email (required)

Website

Speak your mind

← It’s My Party… Much Needed Vacation →