Jun

12

Weekend Realizations

June 12, 2006 |

Okay, I’m back. Sort of. My internet connection is down this morning so I have to write this in Word and I’m hoping to be able to publish it later today. Usually in the spring with the heavy rains, we start having internet outages on and off for a good month or so.

So Friday’s interview. The house was VERY clean. It smelled good, it looked good. He was 5 minutes late, stayed for 15 and I haven’t heard from them yet. And I don’t imagine I will. Just a gut feeling, I have nothing to back it up really. At least my house got the scrubbing it needed. It’s just frustrating. I don’t know what people are looking for. I have the house, the program, the hours, the competitive rates. I just don’t understand. I never used to have a problem filling my spots but now? I can’t seem to get anyone to sign on for the life of me. Maybe it’s a sign.

The girls were sick on Saturday with the stomach thing. Fortunately it went away as quickly as it came on. It seems like we always get the stomach thing now. Over and over again. On Sunday we had to go to a family party of Jeff’s in Massachusetts. His mother’s brother was visiting from Florida so her sister had all the family over to her house. Jeff’s mom ended up riding in the van with us for the 6 hour round trip.

The traveling wasn’t bad and the party was really great. We went to one last summer and I was really touched by how kind and accepting Jeff’s family was towards him. Jeff had a difficult past but he has turned his life around. And instead of judging him on the way he used to be they were happy to embrace the person he has become. They were no different this weekend and they made us feel very welcome. One thing I noticed though is the difference socially, between Jeff and his siblings and their cousins. And it struck me that Jeff’s family is the one that ran away to Vermont while everyone else stayed in Massachusetts.

There is a long standing history of problems that Jeff and his mom still seem to be running from and it also seems to be what’s holding them back from being all that they can. Jeff’s brother didn’t even go because he claimed that none of “those relatives” cared about him at all so why should he bother. The cousin he used to be inseparable from when they were kids, he won’t even speak to now because Jeff’s brother thinks the guy is a snob. I talked with him and nothing could be further from the truth. I think it’s more Jeff’s brother’s insecurities about measuring up that hold him back from seeing the family along with a little spousal manipulation.

And I realized that we could be successful too but we let our pasts, our history that has colored who we believe we are, define who we’ve become. Jeff and I both struggle with the knowledge that we could have achieved more in our lives, that we are better than the minimum wage level jobs we work at. But neither one of us believes in ourselves enough to try harder. We struggle financially and spiritually because of the baggage from our pasts. When I was a little girl, before the baggage started to color my beliefs about myself, before I internalized the abuse, my goal was to be an attorney. And my dream was to one day try a case in front of the Supreme Court. Because I allowed the things in my life to beat me down. My dream now is to keep my utilities from being shut off and my car from being repossessed.

By running away, the same way Jeff’s immediate family did, I have circumvented my own dreams for myself. By not facing my own pain and abuse, by numbing out and not believing in myself I have let myself down completely. And what kind of half-assed example have I set for my kids? It’s terrible when I think about it. But how do I re-program my brain? How do I start believing in myself more? Success lies in the answers.


Comments

2 Comments so far

  1. mrs. diamond on June 12, 2006 11:01 am

    I can totally relate to the past colouring who I believe myself to be today. Sad eh. I am working on being set free from my past and learning who I am in Christ. I am a new creature in Christ.

    How many kids do you have in your daycare now?

  2. Amy on June 12, 2006 5:13 pm

    “And I realized that we could be successful too but we let our pasts, our history that has colored who we believe we are, define who we’ve become.”

    I know just what you mean.

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