I’ve been trying for days to write something, anything, but it’s as though I’ve lost my voice. There are so many things I want to say and comment on but I just can’t find the words - everything sounds so negative and I am so tired of feeling down all the time. I feel like life keeps kicking me just a little harder in the ass with every blow. I consider myself a strong person but it’s getting a little ridiculous.

What’s the latest crap? My dh’s ex-boss is fighting his unemployment benefits so it’s gone into arbitration and could take another month before a decision is made. If it’s in his favor he will start receiving money then. We’ve already been without a paycheck from him for a month and it’s killing us - slowly and painfully - but it is killing us. I can’t sleep anymore - I feel sick and depressed all the time. He’s so sure the money is going to come and that it will be retroactive but I keep saying

“WHEN? When will it come? How do we survive until then?”

And Mr. Denial-of-all-facts-that-are-real-and-painful just says that everything will be okay. Yeah right, I thought women were the traditional rose colored glasses wearers. I can’t take it - it’s really overwhelming me.

Oh and he sprained his ankle this past weekend and it is one nasty sprain. Swollen up to twice it’s normal size but the doctor says no broken bones. And the bitter irony? It’s on the same side as his damaged hand - he’s useless. He can’t find work anywhere with the skills he has without the use of his hand and leg.

My father has offered to help us financially until the money comes in and Jeff has suggested public funding alternatives as well but there is no way. Absolutely none. I hate asking for and accepting hand outs like that from anyone. There’s no need. I’m a healthy, intelligent, educated, hard-working adult. I don’t want other people to take care of me, I want to take care of myself, my family and my own problems - on my own. My entire life I’ve watched one family member after another mooch off my father and I will not be one of them. I know I’ve already let my parents down quite a bit with the path my life has taken - I don’t need to take another step in that direction.

So in that spirit I’ve dusted off my resume, written a new cover letter and am sending it out to every potential employer in the area. I don’t care what dh says, we need a full paycheck. Daycare enrollment hasn’t been fast enough to be make enough money to cover the bills and I’m not getting nearly enough scheduling work to make up the difference. I don’t know what else to do but the strain is crushing me.

I’m so sick of life sucking as bad as it does and really, if life is what you make of it then what the hell am I doing wrong?